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A Real Life Commencement Speech to 2017’s College Graduates

In Questionable Advice by Ryco Newton-Block

I remember my 2011 college graduation commencement speaker’s speech like it was yesterday. And yesterday I was black out drunk. But seriously, I don’t remember who gave it, what they said or if I even listened. Actually, on my graduation day I remember being brutally hung over after a night of Four Lokos, getting drunk with my friends that morning, and then driving to the ceremony together in a minivan. Oh to be young.

What I’m trying to say is that commencement Read More

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The Imposter’s Guide to Navigating Politics

In Questionable Advice by Joe Powell

A firm understanding of the political environment is more critical now than ever. Every human you cross paths with attempts to bestow their new-found political knowledge onto you. They attack you with a blizzard of facts they diligently “researched” from a Buzzfeed video on Facebook. The only thing you’re aware of is that the mother of all bombs just dropped faster than your Read More

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A Day in the Life: Corporate America Part 2: The Presentation (two part series)

In Local News by Ryco Newton-Block

Part II: The Presentation

You sit in your car eating your Chipotle burrito, listening to the new Chainsmokers song. This is easily the most enjoyable part of your workday. The Chipotle workers screwed you again on the meat portion but it’s not a big deal. You just don’t get why they act like it’s their meat. They aren’t losing anything by giving you a decent amount of meat. Why do they always fuck you on the meat!? You refocus. You turn up the ‘smokers Read More

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A Day in the Life: Corporate America Part 1: The Morning (two part series)

In Questionable Advice by Ryco Newton-Block

Part 1: The Morning

It’s Monday morning and you stroll in late. “Becky” springs up from her seat to great you with her signature, annoying, high-pitched “Happy Monday!” You nod your head while covering your bloodshot eyes, and for a brief fleeting moment, you envision the oversized ceiling tiles collapsing on top of “Becky’s” sprightly head. Every office has a Becky. The weird lady who actually enjoys what she does. She’s the one who constantly Read More

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Fuck your Dog’s Instagram

In Questionable Advice by Ryco Newton-Block

You’re an asshole.

Yes you, person whose dog recently followed me on Instagram in the hopes of receiving a follow back. The fucking balls you have. The balls of a Great Dane. Isn’t it enough that I already follow you on Instagram, and that your dog is in every picture you post? Isn’t it enough that I already “like” those pictures?

Between your personal Instagram and your Snapchat story I know more about your dog then my parent’s childhoods. Your dog Read More

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The Imposters Guide to Talking Finance

In Questionable Advice by Ryco Newton-Block

At age 28, I find it imperative that I know how to discuss finance with my friends and peers. Please note: I did not say that I find it imperative to actually know about finance. I don’t. I know nothing about finance. I can barely calculate the net effective rent on a 12-month lease without my mind twisting into a pretzel. Someone once asked me to define amortization so I faked a seizure to keep from embarrassing myself. After that day, I swore I Read More

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The Imposter’s 4-Step System for Ordering Wine

In Local News, Politics, Trendy by Ryco Newton-Block

I don’t care about knowing about wine. But I do care about looking like I know about wine. We all do. So we have to pretend, like our friend that went to Napa and came back like some sort of half-grape half-man wine-centaur aficionado. Listen here, Jake. You didn’t go to Napa and learn about wine, you just blacked out in a different part of the country than you normally do. Jake is the same insufferable guy that comes back from study abroad in Italy and tells Read More

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Jimmy V. Speech for the College Man:

In Sports by Ryco Newton-Block

Original:

“To me there are three things everyone should do every day. Number one is laugh. Number two is think — spend some time in thought. Number three, you should have your emotions move you to tears. If you laugh, think and cry, that’s a heck of a day.”

College:

“To me there are three things every college male should do every day. Number one is drink. Number two is fight — spend some time fighting. Number Read More

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If You Don’t Announce That You Voted on Social Media, Did You Really Even Vote At All? And Other Voting Day Thoughts

In Politics by Joe Powell

  • Voting is great. But, bragging about voting is lame, because most people can vote. Bragging about voting was probably only fun when not everyone was allowed to.
  • If you don’t announce that you voted on social media, did you really even vote at all?

  • Should I place my “I Voted” sticker in a wacky place to get more Instagram likes? How about my forehead? Or nose! Oh Boy that one would be funny. No one would expect a sticker on the nose. Yeah, that’s
Read More

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For Sale – Pets

In Local News by Joe Powell

 Beautiful Spotted Female Boa

  • Hypoallergenic
  • Minimal Shedding
  • Venom Free

We are looking for a caring and responsible, parent for our two-year-old, 17-foot long female boa constrictor, Emily. Emily is a sassy little snake, full of personality. Emily loves giving hugs and makes a great pet for families with young children. Emily is a registered service snake, providing parents with the ability to travel with her.

Emily is a spotted boa constrictor of the Serpentus Giantess breed. She is venomless and Read More