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Old College Friends Launch Business – Promptly Don’t Speak for 3 Months

In Local News by Joe Powell

COLLEGE PARK, MD – “If only one of us knew how to write code we would’ve had no problem getting the business going,” said 26-year-old Aaron Dent of his most recent failed business concept. Dent was influenced by listening to over 30 minutes of the audio book version of Tim Ferris’ “4 Hour Work Week”. “I was inspired. I had no interest in being an Account Manager anymore. I wanted, well I still want to be an entrepreneur.” Sources report Read More

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Trump Convinces Mexican President to Help Build Wall Around China

In Politics by Ryco Newton-Block

MEXICO CITY – Donald Trump scored his greatest foreign policy victory yet at this week’s meeting in Mexico City. Trump announced in front of the crowd of 8,000 “China is cheating and expanding too quickly. We need to put a wall around those currency inflating communists.” Trump went on to state, “If we can relegate them to their rice patties the world will be a safer and greater place.”

Trump continued, “Shit, a good portion of the wall is already Read More

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Country Crosses Fingers for a Hurricane to Finally Destroy Florida

In Weather by Joe Powell

In the peak of hurricane season, Florida once again hopes to escape without a serious hurricane for the 10th year in a row. Meanwhile, top meteorologists and the rest of the country cross their fingers for a hurricane to finally wipe out the uninhabitable toilet state.

Meteorologist Kip Snyder of the National Weather Center in Washington, DC, claims there will be an increase in the number of hurricanes this season. Kip is no rookie to the high stakes world of Read More

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Special Report: Colin Kaepernick’s Secret Addiction to Protesting

In Sports by Ryco Newton-Block

Just a few years ago, Colin Kaepernick was running wild all over the Green Bay Packer’s defense in the NFC title game. He was one throw away from being crowned a Super Bowl champion. So what happened? How did it all crumble so quickly?

A source close to Kap explained the dark truth. “After that season, Kap became addicted to protesting. It started small, things like refusing to pay for extra meat at Chipotle, change his seat on a Delta flight so newlyweds Read More

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Pharmaceutical Company Mylan Raises Price of EpiPen to Help Curb Overpopulation

In Local News, Politics, Science by Ryco Newton-Block

CANONSBURG, PA – In a surprisingly selfless and noble act, giant pharmaceutical company, Mylan, has drastically increased the price of life-saving EpiPens in an effort to “solve the world’s population problem.” The decision to “help humanity” by raising the price of this extremely vital product has sent anaphylactic shock waves throughout the entire world.

“China has a rule that you can only have one child, and that’s a good start to putting Read More

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Homeless Man Inspires College Student to Volunteer for a Weekend

In Local News by Joe Powell

TAMPA, FL – “I had a tough decision to make,” said Matt Dodd, 22, a fifth year senior at the University of Tampa. Sources say that, as graduation approached, Dodd struggled with deciding whether to work for his father’s company or to exploit his parents’ financial generosity and backpack through Europe for a year.

Local journalists report that homeless man and decorated war hero, Lawrence “Larry” Douglas, 67, approached Dodd on Thursday Read More

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Local Man Avoids Best Friend’s Clear Signs of Alcoholism

In Relationships by Joe Powell

MANCHESTER, NH – “I’m concerned about him and his drinking,  but I don’t want to make a big deal about it, or, even worse, encourage him to confront me about my Adderall addiction,” said Michael Mack, 28, a medical sales representative and avid men’s softball player.

Mack has been drinking with best friend Ryan England since they were both 14-years-old. Local journalists report that Mack recently witnessed England drink 27 beers in just Read More

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New York Realtor Fired for Actually Representing His Clients Best Interests

In Local News by Ryco Newton-Block

NEW YORK, NY – “I don’t know what came over me. It was the worst mistake of my professional career,” said Michael Milner, a NYC real estate agent with 12 years of experience. “I lost everything. I represented my client’s interests instead of my own and it has cost me dearly. I’ve been fired from my brokerage, shunned by my peers, and blackballed by the entire real estate community.” Michael claims his actions were not premeditated but those around Read More

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Italian Earthquake Shakes Local Woman’s Unrealistic Dream of Moving to Italy

In Local News by Joe Powell

DRACUT, MA – “I’m absolutely devastated,” sighed Lisa Tonelli, 37, who, for nearly a decade, has been telling friends and coworkers that “one day I’m just going to get the heck out of here and buy a little place in Italy.”

Journalists spoke to the seasoned paralegal in the break room at Ballard & Ballard Law Firm. Tonelli’s laptop sat open on the table. The background, a small French town she mistook for an Italian village after Googling “Italian Read More