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Officers Shoot Unarmed Black Moon

In Local News, Science by Joe Powell

LOS ANGELES, CA – Astronomers have confirmed the shooting death of an unarmed Black Moon late Friday night. Friday marks the first Black Moon shooting since the last sight of the rare lunar event, back in March of 2014.

Officers involved in the shooting claim that the moon was resisting arrest and threatened the officers with a weapon of gravitational proportions. ?The cops kept yelling at the moon to drop his weapon and come down to Earth, but he Read More

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Inspirational Audiobook Turns Man’s Life Around For Entire Afternoon

In Local News by Joe Powell

BOSTON, MA – While the self-help and inspirational book genre is one of the fastest growing in the industry, some believe that by providing false hope, the books prey upon those with no motivation who are searching for an easy fix. However, one local man has silenced those critics.

“It was an awful morning. I was hung-over as shit from Monday night football, and then I had an argument with the fuckin’ drive-through bitch at Dunkin’ Donuts for screwing Read More

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Self-Proclaimed “Workaholic” Throws Out Back Putting on Seat Belt Too Fast

In Local News by Joe Powell

ST. LOUIS, MO – “Lots of moving parts in this deal,” shouted Michael Spack too loudly into his Bluetooth. “I can’t let this injury ruin a deal worth this much. It’s essential I visit them to touch base. I always touch base!” Spack is the proud Regional Sales director of Comet Corrective Solutions, the 6th largest national provider of silicone breast implants specifically developed for elderly patients.

The two-time divorcee and avid Trump supporter Read More

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“Narcos” Binge Inspires Heavy Drug use and Felony Trespassing for Local Couple

In Local News, Relationships by Ryco Newton-Block

PALM BEACH, FL – Local couple John O’Brien and Lindsey Brandt were arrested at 4:00 am Sunday morning at Lion Country Safari, a drive-through zoo and amusement park in Loxahatchee, Florida.

Arresting Officer David Wells recounted the scene, “I responded to a call from one of the park rangers about two lunatics running around the facility and terrorizing the animals. When I arrived I found Mr. O’Brien riding a fucking alpaca and Ms. Graham had flipped Read More

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Chicago Man Lies About High School Athletic Achievements in Attempt to Attract Business

In Local News by Joe Powell

CHICAGO, IL – Young and confident 33-year-old Greg Moon, is one of the most well-known young business attorneys in the city. But at one time, many moons ago, Moon was a very forgettable high school athlete, and chubby, man-titted teen. As a four year back up point guard for the Mulberry High Marauders, Moon saw the court in purely garbage time situations, which led to ridicule by teammates and friends.

Over the past decade, Moon has buried his underachieving Read More

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New York Woman Admits to Hating Brunch

In Local News, Trendy by Joe Powell

MANHATTAN, NY – Every Sunday for the past eight months, 25-year-old Rachel Hassman and her friends have attended “Boozie Brunch” at Beauty & Essex restaurant in the Lower East Side. Beauty & Essex’s brunch is one of the city’s most well-known drunk-brunch spots, drawing in a crowd so large that the line of loud, hot, bossy Jewish women wraps all the way around the block.

Like any other Sunday morning, Hassman woke up hung over to a group Read More

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“I Only Smoke When I Drink,” Guy Bums Record 17 Cigarettes at Local Beer Festival

In Local News, Relationships by Joe Powell

AUSTIN, TX – The “Freaky Fall Beer Festival” is rated Austin’s sixth most popular annual fall themed beer festival. Over the weekend, the festival brought in over 60 ostentatious, local craft brewers who specialize in patronizing customers due to their lack of beer knowledge. The festival is a hit with non-locals that are now living in the city, and annually draws in over 1,200 hipster dudes and their annoying but oddly attractive girlfriends.

However, Read More

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Local Man Conflicted About Kicking Uncle Out of Fantasy League

In Sports by Ryco Newton-Block

TAMPA, FL – “I have no idea how I’m going to break the news to uncle Tony, but everyone in the league wants him out,” said Jamie Johnson, a 28 year-old fantasy league commissioner and rotosports veteran. “He completely ruins our live draft every year.”

Johnson went on to explain that this year, his friend Kirk was kind enough to host the always-rambunctious draft party at his house in Tampa. “Kirk bought kegs, food, and he really tricked Read More

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Ryan Lochte Banned from Swimming for 10 months – Not Even Allowed to Snorkel

In Sports by Ryco Newton-Block

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO – Twelve time Olympic medalist Ryan Lochte has been suspended 10 months for his role in the now infamous Rio Olympic gas station incident. Many details surrounding that night are still unknown. What is known is that Lochte lied to his mother, who then blurted out the fake story to entire world. “Like seriously shut up mom! God!”

The suspension comes down from the International Olympic Committee, US Olympic Committee and USA Read More

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Man Realizes He’s too Old for Music Festival as Mushrooms Kick In

In Local News by Joe Powell

PHILADELPHIA, PA – 34-year-old Jeremy Leaf is no stranger to the world of psychedelic drugs. Leaf, a financial planner with no long-term goals, has experimented with hallucinatory mushrooms 8 times over the past decade. Sources say that over the holiday weekend, Leaf and a group of close friends attended the two day long American Music Festival. While there, the group of friends split a batch of the powerful and enlightening fungus.

“It was a once-a-year Read More