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New Couple Struggles to Craft Cute “How We Met Story” Before Meeting Family For the Holidays

In Relationships by Ryco Newton-Block

SEATTLE, WA – Mitch Blake, 28, and Abby Thomas, 26, have been dating for 5 months. They have everything that a young couple needs for a relationship to stand the test of time. Everything, except a fabricated “how we met story,” which is vital to sustaining any partnership. “Having a cute how we met story is the backbone of modern day romance,” said Dr. Wonda McDoogle, a relationship expert who claims to have a PhD in something. “Everyone knows that Read More

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Man Questions Life Decisions After Realizing He Crosses His Legs Like His Father

In Local News by Joe Powell

BOSTON, MA – From the outside, 31-year-old Zach Ridley may just look like another sub-par real estate agent and financial leech to his aging parents. But sometimes, looks are fairly accurate. However, this past Tuesday afternoon, a life altering experience shook the purposeless Ridley to the core.

While deeply concentrated on finding the perfect flex position for his fantasy football team, Ridley, suddenly and naturally crossed his legs into a deep and Read More

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High-Rise-Window Washer Witnesses 5 Men Jerking Off in one Day

In Local News by Ryco Newton-Block

MANHATTAN, NY – “My family has been soaring above the Manhattan Skyline since the early 60’s, soaping the shit out of every window in sight,” said a somber 23-year-old Bobby Bowles. “My father and his father before him were high-rise window washers.  I grew up dreaming of one day hovering high in the sky like a squeegee wielding God. Looks like that won’t happen now. I don’t know how I’m going to break the news to my dad.”

The news Bobby was Read More

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Native New Yorker Remains Skeptical After Taking United States Geography Course

In Local News by Brendan Ellis

NEW YORK, NY – Jerry Cantrell’s head is still spinning after completing an introductory course in United States Geography. The 40-year-old civil engineer and lifelong Manhattan Resident entered the course to fulfill his company’s annual continuing education obligation.

“I know this city like the back of my hand, but the rest of the country is irrelevant as far as I’m concerned,” said Cantrell in his signature overemphasized Italian accent. “Sure, Read More

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Couple Celebrates Fall by Having Public Argument While Picking Out Pumpkins

In Relationships by Joe Powell

MANCHESTER, NH – Paulie’s Pumpkin Patch is a fall celebration hotspot, most popular with young families and couples searching for an Instagram picture that will get a self-fulfilling number of likes. Besides the traditional pumpkin picking, Paulie’s offers American fall classics such as haunted hay rides, pumpkin carving contests, and everybody’s favorite photo-booth themed “everyone-mock-the-one-Asian-family-in town.” Paulie’s Pumpkin Read More

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Super Lame Price Hikes Threaten Job Security at Chill AF Indie Coffee Shop

In Local News, Trendy by Joe Powell

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – The traditional local coffee shop environment is a delicately balanced ecosystem that thrives on rich people overpaying for organically sourced coffee, which is harvested and shipped by thirsty villagers and then roasted and served by self-conscious, minimum-wage-paid hipsters in oddly fitting clothing. However, this environment has faced its most dangerous threat to date: recent price hikes in ethically sourced coffee beans, causing Read More

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New Study Suggests That Adderall Is “Friggen Sweet”

In Science by Joe Powell

WASHINGTON, DC – A new study released yesterday may suggest that prescription ADD medication, Adderall, is now considered “friggen sweet” by qualified recreational drug users. The controversial medication is often prescribed to help patients with the symptoms of fictional medical disorder ADD, now more commonly referred to under its alias condition “ADHD.”

The study, which measures the freakin’ sweetness and awesomeness of different prescription Read More

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Local Man Still Waiting for Friend to Call Back in “20 Minutes”

In Local News by Ryco Newton-Block

WASHINGTON, DC – “He said he was in the middle of something and that he’d call back in twenty,” said an annoyed Nathan McGuire, in reference to a recent phone call he shared with close friend Kirk Sutter. “It’s now been two God damn days and I haven’t heard back! I hope that thing he was in the middle of was traffic and that he got hit by a truck.”

When asked why he was so upset with Kirk, Nathan explained that last time he called Kirk, Kirk was Read More

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City of Cleveland Demands the Browns Relocate Immediately

In Sports by Ryco Newton-Block

CLEVELAND, OH – In 1995, the Cleveland Browns broke their fans’ hearts when they announced the club was moving to Baltimore. Imagine being dumped for the dreadful city of Baltimore? That’s like your girlfriend dumping you because you aren’t good in bed and then marrying a eunuch.

But not to fear, the Browns returned in 1999 and began a historic and unprecedented 17-year run of pure shit. Just twice in the 17 seasons since they returned did the Browns Read More