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Chicago Man Lies About High School Athletic Achievements in Attempt to Attract Business

In Local News by Joe Powell

CHICAGO, IL – Young and confident 33-year-old Greg Moon, is one of the most well-known young business attorneys in the city. But at one time, many moons ago, Moon was a very forgettable high school athlete, and chubby, man-titted teen. As a four year back up point guard for the Mulberry High Marauders, Moon saw the court in purely garbage time situations, which led to ridicule by teammates and friends.

Over the past decade, Moon has buried his underachieving Read More

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New York Woman Admits to Hating Brunch

In Local News, Trendy by Joe Powell

MANHATTAN, NY – Every Sunday for the past eight months, 25-year-old Rachel Hassman and her friends have attended “Boozie Brunch” at Beauty & Essex restaurant in the Lower East Side. Beauty & Essex’s brunch is one of the city’s most well-known drunk-brunch spots, drawing in a crowd so large that the line of loud, hot, bossy Jewish women wraps all the way around the block.

Like any other Sunday morning, Hassman woke up hung over to a group Read More

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“I Only Smoke When I Drink,” Guy Bums Record 17 Cigarettes at Local Beer Festival

In Local News, Relationships by Joe Powell

AUSTIN, TX – The “Freaky Fall Beer Festival” is rated Austin’s sixth most popular annual fall themed beer festival. Over the weekend, the festival brought in over 60 ostentatious, local craft brewers who specialize in patronizing customers due to their lack of beer knowledge. The festival is a hit with non-locals that are now living in the city, and annually draws in over 1,200 hipster dudes and their annoying but oddly attractive girlfriends.

However, Read More

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Local Man Conflicted About Kicking Uncle Out of Fantasy League

In Sports by Ryco Newton-Block

TAMPA, FL – “I have no idea how I’m going to break the news to uncle Tony, but everyone in the league wants him out,” said Jamie Johnson, a 28 year-old fantasy league commissioner and rotosports veteran. “He completely ruins our live draft every year.”

Johnson went on to explain that this year, his friend Kirk was kind enough to host the always-rambunctious draft party at his house in Tampa. “Kirk bought kegs, food, and he really tricked Read More

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Ryan Lochte Banned from Swimming for 10 months – Not Even Allowed to Snorkel

In Sports by Ryco Newton-Block

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO – Twelve time Olympic medalist Ryan Lochte has been suspended 10 months for his role in the now infamous Rio Olympic gas station incident. Many details surrounding that night are still unknown. What is known is that Lochte lied to his mother, who then blurted out the fake story to entire world. “Like seriously shut up mom! God!”

The suspension comes down from the International Olympic Committee, US Olympic Committee and USA Read More

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Man Realizes He’s too Old for Music Festival as Mushrooms Kick In

In Local News by Joe Powell

PHILADELPHIA, PA – 34-year-old Jeremy Leaf is no stranger to the world of psychedelic drugs. Leaf, a financial planner with no long-term goals, has experimented with hallucinatory mushrooms 8 times over the past decade. Sources say that over the holiday weekend, Leaf and a group of close friends attended the two day long American Music Festival. While there, the group of friends split a batch of the powerful and enlightening fungus.

“It was a once-a-year Read More

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Old College Friends Launch Business – Promptly Don’t Speak for 3 Months

In Local News by Joe Powell

COLLEGE PARK, MD – “If only one of us knew how to write code we would’ve had no problem getting the business going,” said 26-year-old Aaron Dent of his most recent failed business concept. Dent was influenced by listening to over 30 minutes of the audio book version of Tim Ferris’ “4 Hour Work Week”. “I was inspired. I had no interest in being an Account Manager anymore. I wanted, well I still want to be an entrepreneur.” Sources report Read More

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Trump Convinces Mexican President to Help Build Wall Around China

In Politics by Ryco Newton-Block

MEXICO CITY – Donald Trump scored his greatest foreign policy victory yet at this week’s meeting in Mexico City. Trump announced in front of the crowd of 8,000 “China is cheating and expanding too quickly. We need to put a wall around those currency inflating communists.” Trump went on to state, “If we can relegate them to their rice patties the world will be a safer and greater place.”

Trump continued, “Shit, a good portion of the wall is already Read More

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Country Crosses Fingers for a Hurricane to Finally Destroy Florida

In Weather by Joe Powell

In the peak of hurricane season, Florida once again hopes to escape without a serious hurricane for the 10th year in a row. Meanwhile, top meteorologists and the rest of the country cross their fingers for a hurricane to finally wipe out the uninhabitable toilet state.

Meteorologist Kip Snyder of the National Weather Center in Washington, DC, claims there will be an increase in the number of hurricanes this season. Kip is no rookie to the high stakes world of Read More

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Special Report: Colin Kaepernick’s Secret Addiction to Protesting

In Sports by Ryco Newton-Block

Just a few years ago, Colin Kaepernick was running wild all over the Green Bay Packer’s defense in the NFC title game. He was one throw away from being crowned a Super Bowl champion. So what happened? How did it all crumble so quickly?

A source close to Kap explained the dark truth. “After that season, Kap became addicted to protesting. It started small, things like refusing to pay for extra meat at Chipotle, change his seat on a Delta flight so newlyweds Read More