View Post

Native New Yorker Remains Skeptical After Taking United States Geography Course

In Local News by Brendan Ellis

NEW YORK, NY – Jerry Cantrell’s head is still spinning after completing an introductory course in United States Geography. The 40-year-old civil engineer and lifelong Manhattan Resident entered the course to fulfill his company’s annual continuing education obligation.

“I know this city like the back of my hand, but the rest of the country is irrelevant as far as I’m concerned,” said Cantrell in his signature overemphasized Italian accent. “Sure, Read More

View Post

Couple Celebrates Fall by Having Public Argument While Picking Out Pumpkins

In Relationships by Joe Powell

MANCHESTER, NH – Paulie’s Pumpkin Patch is a fall celebration hotspot, most popular with young families and couples searching for an Instagram picture that will get a self-fulfilling number of likes. Besides the traditional pumpkin picking, Paulie’s offers American fall classics such as haunted hay rides, pumpkin carving contests, and everybody’s favorite photo-booth themed “everyone-mock-the-one-Asian-family-in town.” Paulie’s Pumpkin Read More

View Post

Super Lame Price Hikes Threaten Job Security at Chill AF Indie Coffee Shop

In Local News, Trendy by Joe Powell

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – The traditional local coffee shop environment is a delicately balanced ecosystem that thrives on rich people overpaying for organically sourced coffee, which is harvested and shipped by thirsty villagers and then roasted and served by self-conscious, minimum-wage-paid hipsters in oddly fitting clothing. However, this environment has faced its most dangerous threat to date: recent price hikes in ethically sourced coffee beans, causing Read More

View Post

New Study Suggests That Adderall Is “Friggen Sweet”

In Science by Joe Powell

WASHINGTON, DC – A new study released yesterday may suggest that prescription ADD medication, Adderall, is now considered “friggen sweet” by qualified recreational drug users. The controversial medication is often prescribed to help patients with the symptoms of fictional medical disorder ADD, now more commonly referred to under its alias condition “ADHD.”

The study, which measures the freakin’ sweetness and awesomeness of different prescription Read More

View Post

Local Man Still Waiting for Friend to Call Back in “20 Minutes”

In Local News by Ryco Newton-Block

WASHINGTON, DC – “He said he was in the middle of something and that he’d call back in twenty,” said an annoyed Nathan McGuire, in reference to a recent phone call he shared with close friend Kirk Sutter. “It’s now been two God damn days and I haven’t heard back! I hope that thing he was in the middle of was traffic and that he got hit by a truck.”

When asked why he was so upset with Kirk, Nathan explained that last time he called Kirk, Kirk was Read More

View Post

City of Cleveland Demands the Browns Relocate Immediately

In Sports by Ryco Newton-Block

CLEVELAND, OH – In 1995, the Cleveland Browns broke their fans’ hearts when they announced the club was moving to Baltimore. Imagine being dumped for the dreadful city of Baltimore? That’s like your girlfriend dumping you because you aren’t good in bed and then marrying a eunuch.

But not to fear, the Browns returned in 1999 and began a historic and unprecedented 17-year run of pure shit. Just twice in the 17 seasons since they returned did the Browns Read More

View Post

Officers Shoot Unarmed Black Moon

In Local News, Science by Joe Powell

LOS ANGELES, CA – Astronomers have confirmed the shooting death of an unarmed Black Moon late Friday night. Friday marks the first Black Moon shooting since the last sight of the rare lunar event, back in March of 2014.

Officers involved in the shooting claim that the moon was resisting arrest and threatened the officers with a weapon of gravitational proportions. “The cops kept yelling at the moon to drop his weapon and come down to Earth, but he Read More

View Post

Inspirational Audiobook Turns Man’s Life Around For Entire Afternoon

In Local News by Joe Powell

BOSTON, MA – While the self-help and inspirational book genre is one of the fastest growing in the industry, some believe that by providing false hope, the books prey upon those with no motivation who are searching for an easy fix. However, one local man has silenced those critics.

“It was an awful morning. I was hung-over as shit from Monday night football, and then I had an argument with the fuckin’ drive-through bitch at Dunkin’ Donuts for screwing Read More

View Post

Self-Proclaimed “Workaholic” Throws Out Back Putting on Seat Belt Too Fast

In Local News by Joe Powell

ST. LOUIS, MO – “Lots of moving parts in this deal,” shouted Michael Spack too loudly into his Bluetooth. “I can’t let this injury ruin a deal worth this much. It’s essential I visit them to touch base. I always touch base!” Spack is the proud Regional Sales director of Comet Corrective Solutions, the 6th largest national provider of silicone breast implants specifically developed for elderly patients.

The two-time divorcee and avid Trump supporter Read More

View Post

“Narcos” Binge Inspires Heavy Drug use and Felony Trespassing for Local Couple

In Local News, Relationships by Ryco Newton-Block

PALM BEACH, FL – Local couple John O’Brien and Lindsey Brandt were arrested at 4:00 am Sunday morning at Lion Country Safari, a drive-through zoo and amusement park in Loxahatchee, Florida.

Arresting Officer David Wells recounted the scene, “I responded to a call from one of the park rangers about two lunatics running around the facility and terrorizing the animals. When I arrived I found Mr. O’Brien riding a fucking alpaca and Ms. Graham had flipped Read More