View Post

Snapchat Addict Retires After Realizing His Life is Lame

In Local News by Brendan Ellis

Peter Lemon, 25, is a self-proclaimed “gym junkie,” a part-time Uber Eats driver, and a full time douchebag. Peter is finally coming to grips with the truth behind his very public Snapchat life: it isn’t as cool as his Snapchat story lets on.

“It hit me for the first time about three quarters of the way through the Zedd Concert this weekend. I captured some pretty sweet snaps of every song that night. I thought my followers must be dying for more. Read More

View Post

Jimmy V. Speech for the College Man:

In Sports by Ryco Newton-Block

Original:

“To me there are three things everyone should do every day. Number one is laugh. Number two is think — spend some time in thought. Number three, you should have your emotions move you to tears. If you laugh, think and cry, that’s a heck of a day.”

College:

“To me there are three things every college male should do every day. Number one is drink. Number two is fight — spend some time fighting. Number Read More

View Post

WikiLeaks Reveals Gary Johnson Had Another “Aleppo Moment” and Accidentally Voted Trump

In Politics by Brendan Ellis

Last night Donald J. Trump won the presidential election in what is being called the biggest upset in the history of American politics. Some voted for Trump in support of the man’s ideas, some out of spite for Hillary Clinton and the obnoxious politically correct left, and one man, Gary Johnson, by accident.

WikiLeaks released the following hacked text conversation between Third Party Presidential Candidate Gary Johnson, and his running mate William Weld.

When Read More

View Post

If You Don’t Announce That You Voted on Social Media, Did You Really Even Vote At All? And Other Voting Day Thoughts

In Politics by Joe Powell

  • Voting is great. But, bragging about voting is lame, because most people can vote. Bragging about voting was probably only fun when not everyone was allowed to.
  • If you don’t announce that you voted on social media, did you really even vote at all?

  • Should I place my “I Voted” sticker in a wacky place to get more Instagram likes? How about my forehead? Or nose! Oh Boy that one would be funny. No one would expect a sticker on the nose. Yeah, that’s
Read More

View Post

Early Election Day Poll Results Reveal We’re all Morons

In Politics by Ryco Newton-Block

The Election Day is off to a blazing start and millions of Americans are hitting the polls wearing their designated political jerseys to cast votes for their team’s favorite player.

Some support a large, loud, carrot-colored clown and claim they are making the country great, again. Others are showing up to the polls in their big bird pantsuits and proudly support a sneaky, conniving, well-spoken, vagina-having Frank Underwood.

But that’s why today is great! Read More

View Post

Local Tough Guy Spotted Crying in Car at Red Light

In Local News by Joe Powell

WEST CHESTER, PA – The fame and fortune that come with being a regional sales manager for a wholesale distributer of gym equipment can weigh too heavy on the mind of the average person. It takes someone with a will as iron as the barbells that he curls. Someone who loudly exaggerates the amount of his commission checks in public. Someone like local tough guy, 34-year-old Bruce Stern.

Stern, who failed out of the police academy in 2009, is a notable figure Read More

View Post

New Couple Struggles to Craft Cute “How We Met Story” Before Meeting Family For the Holidays

In Relationships by Ryco Newton-Block

SEATTLE, WA – Mitch Blake, 28, and Abby Thomas, 26, have been dating for 5 months. They have everything that a young couple needs for a relationship to stand the test of time. Everything, except a fabricated “how we met story,” which is vital to sustaining any partnership. “Having a cute how we met story is the backbone of modern day romance,” said Dr. Wonda McDoogle, a relationship expert who claims to have a PhD in something. “Everyone knows that Read More

View Post

Man Questions Life Decisions After Realizing He Crosses His Legs Like His Father

In Local News by Joe Powell

BOSTON, MA – From the outside, 31-year-old Zach Ridley may just look like another sub-par real estate agent and financial leech to his aging parents. But sometimes, looks are fairly accurate. However, this past Tuesday afternoon, a life altering experience shook the purposeless Ridley to the core.

While deeply concentrated on finding the perfect flex position for his fantasy football team, Ridley, suddenly and naturally crossed his legs into a deep and Read More

View Post

High-Rise-Window Washer Witnesses 5 Men Jerking Off in one Day

In Local News by Ryco Newton-Block

MANHATTAN, NY – “My family has been soaring above the Manhattan Skyline since the early 60’s, soaping the shit out of every window in sight,” said a somber 23-year-old Bobby Bowles. “My father and his father before him were high-rise window washers.  I grew up dreaming of one day hovering high in the sky like a squeegee wielding God. Looks like that won’t happen now. I don’t know how I’m going to break the news to my dad.”

The news Bobby was Read More