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Frequent Business Traveler Ensures Fellow Passengers That He’s Not a Big Deal

In Local News by Joe Powell

BOSTON, MA – The leather shoulder-sling modern-style brief case. The large hot coffee, gripped with intensity by a shaky hand sporting an impressive wrist watch. The cell phone, clipped to the hip, protected in a case the size of a car battery. Loudly speaking on the mammoth cell phone just moments before takeoff. 34-year-old Andrew Dawson had everyone on American Flight 1011, from Boston to Atlanta, completely fooled.

“I thought he was a big-shot business Read More

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Millennial Makes Bed for First Time as an Adult in Attempt to Restore Order to Life

In Local News by Joe Powell

SACRAMENTO, CA – As an account sales representative for a medium-sized website banner ad company, 23-year-old Peter Slapfist has little time to focus on improving himself.  Adapting to the modern world as a young, working adult has been a struggle for Slapfist that has lead to tremendous weight gain, a major breakup, and overall regrettable behavior.

In our interview, Slapfist divulged that his indecisiveness and appetite stemmed from his bleak and bitter view Read More

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Broken Bong Breaks up Backyard Barbecue Brawl

In Local News by Joe Powell

TAMPA, FL – The 2nd Annual Grace Street Backyard Barbecue Bash was set to break all house party records. Glorious, sweating kegs swam in trash barrels of ice. Classic corn-hole and flip-cup beer games were set up on the lawn and ready to be played until blackout and beyond. Dangerous amounts of vodka were concealed by a sugary layer of orange juice concentrate in the poisonous “Jungle Juice,” mixed by the unwashed hands of an overambitious bro.

Fraternity Read More

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The Imposters Guide to Talking Finance

In Questionable Advice by Ryco Newton-Block

At age 28, I find it imperative that I know how to discuss finance with my friends and peers. Please note: I did not say that I find it imperative to actually know about finance. I don’t. I know nothing about finance. I can barely calculate the net effective rent on a 12-month lease without my mind twisting into a pretzel. Someone once asked me to define amortization so I faked a seizure to keep from embarrassing myself. After that day, I swore I Read More

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Man Hoping Friends Forgot About Last Summer’s Cooking Hobby

In Local News by Joe Powell

WASHINGTON, DC – For the past four years, 26-year-old Ben Gladwell’s passion has been to frantically bounce from hobby to hobby in pursuit of determining his life’s passion. From home brewing and cross-fitting, to slack-lining and gluten-freein’, Ben has experimented with some of the worst millennial fads of our time. Everything changed for Ben, however, while watching Anthony Bourdain’s food and cooking based travel show “No Reservations,” one Read More

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The Man With No Legs

In Rhymes in Jest by Ryco Newton-Block

The man with no legs stood at the door

Put on his shoes and called his whore,

The woman didn’t get paid for sex

She had three boobs and two huge breasts;

She was blind and deaf with dark skin tone,

And when he called she heard her phone.

She told the man to drive to her place

So he walked to his car like it was a race.

The cop with no siren pulled the man over

Asked if he’d been drinking, because he looked sober;

The woman saw lights and heard the cop’s bell

So Read More

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The Imposter’s 4-Step System for Ordering Wine

In Local News, Politics, Trendy by Ryco Newton-Block

I don’t care about knowing about wine. But I do care about looking like I know about wine. We all do. So we have to pretend, like our friend that went to Napa and came back like some sort of half-grape half-man wine-centaur aficionado. Listen here, Jake. You didn’t go to Napa and learn about wine, you just blacked out in a different part of the country than you normally do. Jake is the same insufferable guy that comes back from study abroad in Italy and tells Read More

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Devout Atheist Thanks God After Avoiding Ex-Girlfriend in Grocery Store

In Relationships by Joe Powell

MEDFORD, MA – “The only part I’m going to miss is that, as an Atheist, you can act really bitter and sarcastic towards everything, you know? Like Bill Maher, but not as funny,” said now former devout atheist, Trevor Podd. “I hadn’t believed, or even been to church, in years. But this act of God changes everything.” While visiting his hometown of Medford, MA for Thanksgiving, Podd reconnected to his deep Catholic roots after experiencing a near Read More

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Misogynistic Masseuse Accused of Providing Better Service to Male Clients

In Local News by Joe Powell

ATLANTA, GA – “I didn’t work my tail off at online massage therapy school twice a week for 40 minutes per session for 3 months to be criticized like this,” sneered 37-year-old Anthony Stump, a local masseuse under scrutiny for providing a higher level of customer care to male patients.

A group of female clients have filed suit against Stump, claiming that he often cancels female patient appointments in favor of male patients, provides sessions to men Read More