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Devout Atheist Thanks God After Avoiding Ex-Girlfriend in Grocery Store

In Relationships by Joe Powell

MEDFORD, MA – “The only part I’m going to miss is that, as an Atheist, you can act really bitter and sarcastic towards everything, you know? Like Bill Maher, but not as funny,” said now former devout atheist, Trevor Podd. “I hadn’t believed, or even been to church, in years. But this act of God changes everything.” While visiting his hometown of Medford, MA for Thanksgiving, Podd reconnected to his deep Catholic roots after experiencing a near Read More

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New Couple Struggles to Craft Cute “How We Met Story” Before Meeting Family For the Holidays

In Relationships by Ryco Newton-Block

SEATTLE, WA – Mitch Blake, 28, and Abby Thomas, 26, have been dating for 5 months. They have everything that a young couple needs for a relationship to stand the test of time. Everything, except a fabricated “how we met story,” which is vital to sustaining any partnership. “Having a cute how we met story is the backbone of modern day romance,” said Dr. Wonda McDoogle, a relationship expert who claims to have a PhD in something. “Everyone knows that Read More

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Couple Celebrates Fall by Having Public Argument While Picking Out Pumpkins

In Relationships by Joe Powell

MANCHESTER, NH – Paulie’s Pumpkin Patch is a fall celebration hotspot, most popular with young families and couples searching for an Instagram picture that will get a self-fulfilling number of likes. Besides the traditional pumpkin picking, Paulie’s offers American fall classics such as haunted hay rides, pumpkin carving contests, and everybody’s favorite photo-booth themed “everyone-mock-the-one-Asian-family-in town.” Paulie’s Pumpkin Read More

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“Narcos” Binge Inspires Heavy Drug use and Felony Trespassing for Local Couple

In Local News, Relationships by Ryco Newton-Block

PALM BEACH, FL – Local couple John O’Brien and Lindsey Brandt were arrested at 4:00 am Sunday morning at Lion Country Safari, a drive-through zoo and amusement park in Loxahatchee, Florida.

Arresting Officer David Wells recounted the scene, “I responded to a call from one of the park rangers about two lunatics running around the facility and terrorizing the animals. When I arrived I found Mr. O’Brien riding a fucking alpaca and Ms. Graham had flipped Read More

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“I Only Smoke When I Drink,” Guy Bums Record 17 Cigarettes at Local Beer Festival

In Local News, Relationships by Joe Powell

AUSTIN, TX – The “Freaky Fall Beer Festival” is rated Austin’s sixth most popular annual fall themed beer festival. Over the weekend, the festival brought in over 60 ostentatious, local craft brewers who specialize in patronizing customers due to their lack of beer knowledge. The festival is a hit with non-locals that are now living in the city, and annually draws in over 1,200 hipster dudes and their annoying but oddly attractive girlfriends.

However, Read More

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Local Man Avoids Best Friend’s Clear Signs of Alcoholism

In Relationships by Joe Powell

MANCHESTER, NH – “I’m concerned about him and his drinking,  but I don’t want to make a big deal about it, or, even worse, encourage him to confront me about my Adderall addiction,” said Michael Mack, 28, a medical sales representative and avid men’s softball player.

Mack has been drinking with best friend Ryan England since they were both 14-years-old. Local journalists report that Mack recently witnessed England drink 27 beers in just Read More