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The Imposter’s 4-Step System for Ordering Wine

In Local News, Politics, Trendy by Ryco Newton-Block

I don’t care about knowing about wine. But I do care about looking like I know about wine. We all do. So we have to pretend, like our friend that went to Napa and came back like some sort of half-grape half-man wine-centaur aficionado. Listen here, Jake. You didn’t go to Napa and learn about wine, you just blacked out in a different part of the country than you normally do. Jake is the same insufferable guy that comes back from study abroad in Italy and tells Read More

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WikiLeaks Reveals Gary Johnson Had Another “Aleppo Moment” and Accidentally Voted Trump

In Politics by Brendan Ellis

Last night Donald J. Trump won the presidential election in what is being called the biggest upset in the history of American politics. Some voted for Trump in support of the man’s ideas, some out of spite for Hillary Clinton and the obnoxious politically correct left, and one man, Gary Johnson, by accident.

WikiLeaks released the following hacked text conversation between Third Party Presidential Candidate Gary Johnson, and his running mate William Weld.

When Read More

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If You Don’t Announce That You Voted on Social Media, Did You Really Even Vote At All? And Other Voting Day Thoughts

In Politics by Joe Powell

  • Voting is great. But, bragging about voting is lame, because most people can vote. Bragging about voting was probably only fun when not everyone was allowed to.
  • If you don’t announce that you voted on social media, did you really even vote at all?

  • Should I place my “I Voted” sticker in a wacky place to get more Instagram likes? How about my forehead? Or nose! Oh Boy that one would be funny. No one would expect a sticker on the nose. Yeah, that’s
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Early Election Day Poll Results Reveal We’re all Morons

In Politics by Ryco Newton-Block

The Election Day is off to a blazing start and millions of Americans are hitting the polls wearing their designated political jerseys to cast votes for their team’s favorite player.

Some support a large, loud, carrot-colored clown and claim they are making the country great, again. Others are showing up to the polls in their big bird pantsuits and proudly support a sneaky, conniving, well-spoken, vagina-having Frank Underwood.

But that’s why today is great! Read More

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Trump Convinces Mexican President to Help Build Wall Around China

In Politics by Ryco Newton-Block

MEXICO CITY – Donald Trump scored his greatest foreign policy victory yet at this week’s meeting in Mexico City. Trump announced in front of the crowd of 8,000 “China is cheating and expanding too quickly. We need to put a wall around those currency inflating communists.” Trump went on to state, “If we can relegate them to their rice patties the world will be a safer and greater place.”

Trump continued, “Shit, a good portion of the wall is already Read More

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Pharmaceutical Company Mylan Raises Price of EpiPen to Help Curb Overpopulation

In Local News, Politics, Science by Ryco Newton-Block

CANONSBURG, PA – In a surprisingly selfless and noble act, giant pharmaceutical company, Mylan, has drastically increased the price of life-saving EpiPens in an effort to “solve the world’s population problem.” The decision to “help humanity” by raising the price of this extremely vital product has sent anaphylactic shock waves throughout the entire world.

“China has a rule that you can only have one child, and that’s a good start to putting Read More