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New York Woman Admits to Hating Brunch

In Local News, Trendy by Joe Powell

MANHATTAN, NY – Every Sunday for the past eight months, 25-year-old Rachel Hassman and her friends have attended “Boozie Brunch” at Beauty & Essex restaurant in the Lower East Side. Beauty & Essex’s brunch is one of the city’s most well-known drunk-brunch spots, drawing in a crowd so large that the line of loud, hot, bossy Jewish women wraps all the way around the block.

Like any other Sunday morning, Hassman woke up hung over to a group Read More

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“I Only Smoke When I Drink,” Guy Bums Record 17 Cigarettes at Local Beer Festival

In Local News, Relationships by Joe Powell

AUSTIN, TX – The “Freaky Fall Beer Festival” is rated Austin’s sixth most popular annual fall themed beer festival. Over the weekend, the festival brought in over 60 ostentatious, local craft brewers who specialize in patronizing customers due to their lack of beer knowledge. The festival is a hit with non-locals that are now living in the city, and annually draws in over 1,200 hipster dudes and their annoying but oddly attractive girlfriends.

However, Read More

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Man Realizes He’s too Old for Music Festival as Mushrooms Kick In

In Local News by Joe Powell

PHILADELPHIA, PA – 34-year-old Jeremy Leaf is no stranger to the world of psychedelic drugs. Leaf, a financial planner with no long-term goals, has experimented with hallucinatory mushrooms 8 times over the past decade. Sources say that over the holiday weekend, Leaf and a group of close friends attended the two day long American Music Festival. While there, the group of friends split a batch of the powerful and enlightening fungus.

“It was a once-a-year Read More

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Old College Friends Launch Business – Promptly Don’t Speak for 3 Months

In Local News by Joe Powell

COLLEGE PARK, MD ? “If only one of us knew how to write code we would?ve had no problem getting the business going,” said 26-year-old Aaron Dent of his most recent failed business concept. Dent was influenced by listening to over 30 minutes of the audio book version of Tim Ferris’ “4 Hour Work Week”. “I was inspired. I had no interest in being an Account Manager anymore. I wanted, well I still want to be an entrepreneur.” Sources report Read More

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Pharmaceutical Company Mylan Raises Price of EpiPen to Help Curb Overpopulation

In Local News, Politics, Science by Ryco Newton-Block

CANONSBURG, PA – In a surprisingly selfless and noble act, giant pharmaceutical company, Mylan, has drastically increased the price of life-saving EpiPens in an effort to “solve the world’s population problem.” The decision to “help humanity” by raising the price of this extremely vital product has sent anaphylactic shock waves throughout the entire world.

“China has a rule that you can only have one child, and that’s a good start to putting Read More

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Homeless Man Inspires College Student to Volunteer for a Weekend

In Local News by Joe Powell

TAMPA, FL – “I had a tough decision to make,” said Matt Dodd, 22, a fifth year senior at the University of Tampa. Sources say that, as graduation approached, Dodd struggled with deciding whether to work for his father’s company or to exploit his parents’ financial generosity and backpack through Europe for a year.

Local journalists report that homeless man and decorated war hero, Lawrence “Larry” Douglas, 67, approached Dodd on Thursday Read More

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New York Realtor Fired for Actually Representing His Clients Best Interests

In Local News by Ryco Newton-Block

NEW YORK, NY – “I don’t know what came over me. It was the worst mistake of my professional career,” said Michael Milner, a NYC real estate agent with 12 years of experience. “I lost everything. I represented my client’s interests instead of my own and it has cost me dearly. I’ve been fired from my brokerage, shunned by my peers, and blackballed by the entire real estate community.” Michael claims his actions were not premeditated but those around Read More

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Italian Earthquake Shakes Local Woman’s Unrealistic Dream of Moving to Italy

In Local News by Joe Powell

DRACUT, MA – “I’m absolutely devastated,” sighed Lisa Tonelli, 37, who, for nearly a decade, has been telling friends and coworkers that “one day I’m just going to get the heck out of here and buy a little place in Italy.”

Journalists spoke to the seasoned paralegal in the break room at Ballard & Ballard Law Firm. Tonelli’s laptop sat open on the table. The background, a small French town she mistook for an Italian village after Googling “Italian Read More

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For Sale – Pets

In Local News by Joe Powell

 Beautiful Spotted Female Boa

  • Hypoallergenic
  • Minimal Shedding
  • Venom Free

We are looking for a caring and responsible, parent for our two-year-old, 17-foot long female boa constrictor, Emily. Emily is a sassy little snake, full of personality. Emily loves giving hugs and makes a great pet for families with young children. Emily is a registered service snake, providing parents with the ability to travel with her.

Emily is a spotted boa constrictor of the Serpentus Giantess breed. She is venomless and Read More