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Local Man Conflicted About Kicking Uncle Out of Fantasy League

In Sports by Ryco Newton-Block

TAMPA, FL – “I have no idea how I’m going to break the news to uncle Tony, but everyone in the league wants him out,” said Jamie Johnson, a 28 year-old fantasy league commissioner and rotosports veteran. “He completely ruins our live draft every year.”

Johnson went on to explain that this year, his friend Kirk was kind enough to host the always-rambunctious draft party at his house in Tampa. “Kirk bought kegs, food, and he really tricked Read More

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Ryan Lochte Banned from Swimming for 10 months – Not Even Allowed to Snorkel

In Sports by Ryco Newton-Block

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO – Twelve time Olympic medalist Ryan Lochte has been suspended 10 months for his role in the now infamous Rio Olympic gas station incident. Many details surrounding that night are still unknown. What is known is that Lochte lied to his mother, who then blurted out the fake story to entire world. “Like seriously shut up mom! God!”

The suspension comes down from the International Olympic Committee, US Olympic Committee and USA Read More

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Trump Convinces Mexican President to Help Build Wall Around China

In Politics by Ryco Newton-Block

MEXICO CITY – Donald Trump scored his greatest foreign policy victory yet at this week’s meeting in Mexico City. Trump announced in front of the crowd of 8,000 “China is cheating and expanding too quickly. We need to put a wall around those currency inflating communists.” Trump went on to state, “If we can relegate them to their rice patties the world will be a safer and greater place.”

Trump continued, “Shit, a good portion of the wall is already Read More

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Special Report: Colin Kaepernick’s Secret Addiction to Protesting

In Sports by Ryco Newton-Block

Just a few years ago, Colin Kaepernick was running wild all over the Green Bay Packer’s defense in the NFC title game. He was one throw away from being crowned a Super Bowl champion. So what happened? How did it all crumble so quickly?

A source close to Kap explained the dark truth. “After that season, Kap became addicted to protesting. It started small, things like refusing to pay for extra meat at Chipotle, change his seat on a Delta flight so newlyweds Read More

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Pharmaceutical Company Mylan Raises Price of EpiPen to Help Curb Overpopulation

In Local News, Politics, Science by Ryco Newton-Block

CANONSBURG, PA – In a surprisingly selfless and noble act, giant pharmaceutical company, Mylan, has drastically increased the price of life-saving EpiPens in an effort to “solve the world’s population problem.” The decision to “help humanity” by raising the price of this extremely vital product has sent anaphylactic shock waves throughout the entire world.

“China has a rule that you can only have one child, and that’s a good start to putting Read More

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New York Realtor Fired for Actually Representing His Clients Best Interests

In Local News by Ryco Newton-Block

NEW YORK, NY – “I don’t know what came over me. It was the worst mistake of my professional career,” said Michael Milner, a NYC real estate agent with 12 years of experience. “I lost everything. I represented my client’s interests instead of my own and it has cost me dearly. I’ve been fired from my brokerage, shunned by my peers, and blackballed by the entire real estate community.” Michael claims his actions were not premeditated but those around Read More