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The Man With No Legs

In Rhymes in Jest by Ryco Newton-Block

The man with no legs stood at the door

Put on his shoes and called his whore,

The woman didn’t get paid for sex

She had three boobs and two huge breasts;

She was blind and deaf with dark skin tone,

And when he called she heard her phone.

She told the man to drive to her place

So he walked to his car like it was a race.

The cop with no siren pulled the man over

Asked if he’d been drinking, because he looked sober;

The woman saw lights and heard the cop’s bell

So Read More

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The Imposter’s 4-Step System for Ordering Wine

In Local News, Politics, Trendy by Ryco Newton-Block

I don’t care about knowing about wine. But I do care about looking like I know about wine. We all do. So we have to pretend, like our friend that went to Napa and came back like some sort of half-grape half-man wine-centaur aficionado. Listen here, Jake. You didn’t go to Napa and learn about wine, you just blacked out in a different part of the country than you normally do. Jake is the same insufferable guy that comes back from study abroad in Italy and tells Read More

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Jimmy V. Speech for the College Man:

In Sports by Ryco Newton-Block

Original:

“To me there are three things everyone should do every day. Number one is laugh. Number two is think — spend some time in thought. Number three, you should have your emotions move you to tears. If you laugh, think and cry, that’s a heck of a day.”

College:

“To me there are three things every college male should do every day. Number one is drink. Number two is fight — spend some time fighting. Number Read More

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Early Election Day Poll Results Reveal We’re all Morons

In Politics by Ryco Newton-Block

The Election Day is off to a blazing start and millions of Americans are hitting the polls wearing their designated political jerseys to cast votes for their team’s favorite player.

Some support a large, loud, carrot-colored clown and claim they are making the country great, again. Others are showing up to the polls in their big bird pantsuits and proudly support a sneaky, conniving, well-spoken, vagina-having Frank Underwood.

But that’s why today is great! Read More

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New Couple Struggles to Craft Cute “How We Met Story” Before Meeting Family For the Holidays

In Relationships by Ryco Newton-Block

SEATTLE, WA – Mitch Blake, 28, and Abby Thomas, 26, have been dating for 5 months. They have everything that a young couple needs for a relationship to stand the test of time. Everything, except a fabricated “how we met story,” which is vital to sustaining any partnership. “Having a cute how we met story is the backbone of modern day romance,” said Dr. Wonda McDoogle, a relationship expert who claims to have a PhD in something. “Everyone knows that Read More

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High-Rise-Window Washer Witnesses 5 Men Jerking Off in one Day

In Local News by Ryco Newton-Block

MANHATTAN, NY – “My family has been soaring above the Manhattan Skyline since the early 60’s, soaping the shit out of every window in sight,” said a somber 23-year-old Bobby Bowles. “My father and his father before him were high-rise window washers.  I grew up dreaming of one day hovering high in the sky like a squeegee wielding God. Looks like that won’t happen now. I don’t know how I’m going to break the news to my dad.”

The news Bobby was Read More

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Local Man Still Waiting for Friend to Call Back in “20 Minutes”

In Local News by Ryco Newton-Block

WASHINGTON, DC – “He said he was in the middle of something and that he’d call back in twenty,” said an annoyed Nathan McGuire, in reference to a recent phone call he shared with close friend Kirk Sutter. “It’s now been two God damn days and I haven’t heard back! I hope that thing he was in the middle of was traffic and that he got hit by a truck.”

When asked why he was so upset with Kirk, Nathan explained that last time he called Kirk, Kirk was Read More

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City of Cleveland Demands the Browns Relocate Immediately

In Sports by Ryco Newton-Block

CLEVELAND, OH – In 1995, the Cleveland Browns broke their fans’ hearts when they announced the club was moving to Baltimore. Imagine being dumped for the dreadful city of Baltimore? That’s like your girlfriend dumping you because you aren’t good in bed and then marrying a eunuch.

But not to fear, the Browns returned in 1999 and began a historic and unprecedented 17-year run of pure shit. Just twice in the 17 seasons since they returned did the Browns Read More

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“Narcos” Binge Inspires Heavy Drug use and Felony Trespassing for Local Couple

In Local News, Relationships by Ryco Newton-Block

PALM BEACH, FL – Local couple John O’Brien and Lindsey Brandt were arrested at 4:00 am Sunday morning at Lion Country Safari, a drive-through zoo and amusement park in Loxahatchee, Florida.

Arresting Officer David Wells recounted the scene, “I responded to a call from one of the park rangers about two lunatics running around the facility and terrorizing the animals. When I arrived I found Mr. O’Brien riding a fucking alpaca and Ms. Graham had flipped Read More