View Post

Couple Celebrates Fall by Having Public Argument While Picking Out Pumpkins

In Relationships by Joe Powell

MANCHESTER, NH – Paulie’s Pumpkin Patch is a fall celebration hotspot, most popular with young families and couples searching for an Instagram picture that will get a self-fulfilling number of likes. Besides the traditional pumpkin picking, Paulie’s offers American fall classics such as haunted hay rides, pumpkin carving contests, and everybody’s favorite photo-booth themed “everyone-mock-the-one-Asian-family-in town.” Paulie’s Pumpkin Read More

View Post

Super Lame Price Hikes Threaten Job Security at Chill AF Indie Coffee Shop

In Local News, Trendy by Joe Powell

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – The traditional local coffee shop environment is a delicately balanced ecosystem that thrives on rich people overpaying for organically sourced coffee, which is harvested and shipped by thirsty villagers and then roasted and served by self-conscious, minimum-wage-paid hipsters in oddly fitting clothing. However, this environment has faced its most dangerous threat to date: recent price hikes in ethically sourced coffee beans, causing Read More

View Post

New Study Suggests That Adderall Is “Friggen Sweet”

In Science by Joe Powell

WASHINGTON, DC – A new study released yesterday may suggest that prescription ADD medication, Adderall, is now considered “friggen sweet” by qualified recreational drug users. The controversial medication is often prescribed to help patients with the symptoms of fictional medical disorder ADD, now more commonly referred to under its alias condition “ADHD.”

The study, which measures the freakin’ sweetness and awesomeness of different prescription Read More

View Post

Officers Shoot Unarmed Black Moon

In Local News, Science by Joe Powell

LOS ANGELES, CA – Astronomers have confirmed the shooting death of an unarmed Black Moon late Friday night. Friday marks the first Black Moon shooting since the last sight of the rare lunar event, back in March of 2014.

Officers involved in the shooting claim that the moon was resisting arrest and threatened the officers with a weapon of gravitational proportions. “The cops kept yelling at the moon to drop his weapon and come down to Earth, but he Read More

View Post

Inspirational Audiobook Turns Man’s Life Around For Entire Afternoon

In Local News by Joe Powell

BOSTON, MA – While the self-help and inspirational book genre is one of the fastest growing in the industry, some believe that by providing false hope, the books prey upon those with no motivation who are searching for an easy fix. However, one local man has silenced those critics.

“It was an awful morning. I was hung-over as shit from Monday night football, and then I had an argument with the fuckin’ drive-through bitch at Dunkin’ Donuts for screwing Read More

View Post

Self-Proclaimed “Workaholic” Throws Out Back Putting on Seat Belt Too Fast

In Local News by Joe Powell

ST. LOUIS, MO – “Lots of moving parts in this deal,” shouted Michael Spack too loudly into his Bluetooth. “I can’t let this injury ruin a deal worth this much. It’s essential I visit them to touch base. I always touch base!” Spack is the proud Regional Sales director of Comet Corrective Solutions, the 6th largest national provider of silicone breast implants specifically developed for elderly patients.

The two-time divorcee and avid Trump supporter Read More

View Post

Chicago Man Lies About High School Athletic Achievements in Attempt to Attract Business

In Local News by Joe Powell

CHICAGO, IL – Young and confident 33-year-old Greg Moon, is one of the most well-known young business attorneys in the city. But at one time, many moons ago, Moon was a very forgettable high school athlete, and chubby, man-titted teen. As a four year back up point guard for the Mulberry High Marauders, Moon saw the court in purely garbage time situations, which led to ridicule by teammates and friends.

Over the past decade, Moon has buried his underachieving Read More

View Post

New York Woman Admits to Hating Brunch

In Local News, Trendy by Joe Powell

MANHATTAN, NY – Every Sunday for the past eight months, 25-year-old Rachel Hassman and her friends have attended “Boozie Brunch” at Beauty & Essex restaurant in the Lower East Side. Beauty & Essex’s brunch is one of the city’s most well-known drunk-brunch spots, drawing in a crowd so large that the line of loud, hot, bossy Jewish women wraps all the way around the block.

Like any other Sunday morning, Hassman woke up hung over to a group Read More

View Post

“I Only Smoke When I Drink,” Guy Bums Record 17 Cigarettes at Local Beer Festival

In Local News, Relationships by Joe Powell

AUSTIN, TX – The “Freaky Fall Beer Festival” is rated Austin’s sixth most popular annual fall themed beer festival. Over the weekend, the festival brought in over 60 ostentatious, local craft brewers who specialize in patronizing customers due to their lack of beer knowledge. The festival is a hit with non-locals that are now living in the city, and annually draws in over 1,200 hipster dudes and their annoying but oddly attractive girlfriends.

However, Read More

View Post

Man Realizes He’s too Old for Music Festival as Mushrooms Kick In

In Local News by Joe Powell

PHILADELPHIA, PA – 34-year-old Jeremy Leaf is no stranger to the world of psychedelic drugs. Leaf, a financial planner with no long-term goals, has experimented with hallucinatory mushrooms 8 times over the past decade. Sources say that over the holiday weekend, Leaf and a group of close friends attended the two day long American Music Festival. While there, the group of friends split a batch of the powerful and enlightening fungus.

“It was a once-a-year Read More