Part II: The Presentation
You sit in your car eating your Chipotle burrito, listening to the new Chainsmokers song. This is easily the most enjoyable part of your workday. The Chipotle workers screwed you again on the meat portion but it’s not a big deal. You just don’t get why they act like it’s their meat. They aren’t losing anything by giving you a decent amount of meat. Why do they always fuck you on the meat!? You refocus. You turn up the ‘smokers song. It’s heavenly. The music is playing, you have an under-stuffed burrito in one hand and you’re scrolling through Instagram pics with the other. Finally, a break from all the noise.
You look down and see the dashboard clock hit 12:45 pm. You can’t believe your 45-minute lunch break is already over. You only get 30 minutes for lunch but you always carve out an extra fifteen for yourself. You deserve it, you (almost) work hard. Besides, 30 minutes isn’t enough time for a lunch break, it’s barely enough time for a healthy shit. And which assholes decided that everyone in America only gets 30 minutes for lunch?
1st Ever American Industry Panel Discussion:
“How long should we give these miserable fucks for lunch?”
“How about an hour?”
“Too long, they may actually enjoy that”
“That still gives them enough time to leave the office and go get a meal. I don’t want those fuckers to ever leave the office! I want them eating at their desks like zoo animals, procreating on smoke breaks, birthing junior analysts on the weekend then ramming their mushy asses back into their desk chairs bright and early Monday morning!”
“Well 30 minutes should do the trick”
“All in Favor?”
“Aye. Aye. Aye.”
You snap back to reality. Shit! You realize you have to present to upper management at 4:00 pm on the new direction of the marketing program. No problem, you’re a professional at faking being a professional. You know exactly what to do. For the next two hours you Google overused business terms and assemble them into a word doc. You’ve used this tactic before and it’ never failed you.
4:00 pm hits. It’s showtime. Your boss introduces you and confidence oozes from your pores as you step to the podium. Upper management doesn’t know it but you’re about to deliver a business savvy haymaker right to the taint, all while saying nothing of substance. That’s how professional fakers do it. You begin your presentation:
“Good afternoon everyone, thank you for taking the time to be here. I’m very excited to speak to you today about the new direction in which our marketing department is headed. (This is it. This is when you hit them with all the shit that they’re dying to hear. It’s term time.)
Starting today our team will be 110% dedicated to thinking outside of the box to implement best practices that push the envelope and maximize customer satisfaction. In today’s highly competitive marketplace our value-added proposition and core competencies will be the differentiating factor in increasing revenue and customer retention. People, we need a paradigm shift in team synergy and a newfound emphasis on fully integrated, client-centered, user-focused, customer-friendly tactics! And we need it now God Damnit! I am sick and tired of chasing low-hanging fruit with an 800-pound gorilla. (You throw the laser pointer across the room to demonstrate your passion!) I want actionable, impactful, win-win strategies that improve ROI, cast a wider net and catch bigger fish. Bottom line is that to be an industry leader we must heed the 80-20 rule and begin benchmarking things. We need boots on the ground, boots in the air and boots everywhere. If we are proactive, not reactive, it’s a plus for our stakeholders and will allow us to multi-task while we hit the ground running. In conclusion I’d like to say that the scenery only changes for the lead dog, so let’s get ahead of the pack! Thank you.”
Roaring applause fills the room. You look around to assess the damage. Two Business Development Officers came in their pants and the VP of sales is shaking on the conference table enjoying her first orgasm in 14 years.
You knew the “lead dog” line would have that effect. You smile. Did you do it again or did you do it again? God Damnit you are good. You laugh at the thought of another successful BS presentation. Then you frown because you realize you have to come back to this shit hole again tomorrow morning.