A Day in the Life: Corporate America Part 1: The Morning (two part series)

In Questionable Advice by Ryco Newton-Block

Part 1: The Morning

It’s Monday morning and you stroll in late. “Becky” springs up from her seat to great you with her signature, annoying, high-pitched “Happy Monday!” You nod your head while covering your bloodshot eyes, and for a brief fleeting moment, you envision the oversized ceiling tiles collapsing on top of “Becky’s” sprightly head. Every office has a Becky. The weird lady who actually enjoys what she does. She’s the one who constantly finds unique ways to remind everyone how long she’s been with the company, “Do you remember Steven from HR?…Oh that’s right, he was before your time.”  Steven was fired in 1997, fuck off Becky.

Becky asks you how your weekend was. You ignore Becky’s inquiry. It’s none of her God damn business. You finally make it to your desk. You let out a painful but slightly forced sigh as you sling the bag off your shoulder and find the chair beneath you. The piece of shit chair barely holds your body weight. It’s probably the same chair Steven from HR used two decades ago. You reach down into your bag and pull out a gigantic suitcase of a laptop. Your company made 5.2 billion in revenue last year but your computer is a used 7-pound IBM from 2004. It always freezes and has the processing power of a Tamagotchi, but it’s your lifeline, so you plug it in and fire it up.

You try to login but it says access denied. That’s right, you forgot that IT made you change your password again for “security reasons.” You plugged in the new password last Friday, but you’re having trouble remembering it because the system requires that new passwords contain between 48-237 characters, using only the letter B, with no repeating letters…

You finally remember your password, it’s Pa$sw0rDCh@nge_2017! There it is. How could you forget you idiot?

You log in and see that there’s a pointless conference call scheduled for 10 am with your boss’s boss, Dave, from the Dallas office. You hop on the call. You’re the third one to join and Dave is already rambling about the rainy weather in Dallas affecting his morning commute. You ask Dave how his family is with zero intention of listening to his response. Then you reach into your bag of corporate bullshit and say “stay dry over there!”  Everyone laughs and the call begins. You mute yourself as soon as possible and pull out your phone to text your friend about that drunken business idea you guys had Saturday night. He responds with “yeah man, we should really start something.” You both know you won’t, but it’s Monday, and dreamers can dream. The call ends with you contributing nothing but a generic line to make Dave giggle. Mission accomplished.

It’s now 11 am. You’re taking lunch at noon so you spend the next half hour Googling possible dining options in the surrounding area. For a brief moment you almost feel guilty collecting a paycheck considering how little effort you put in. That moment quickly passes. It’s 11:30 am and for the next 30 minutes you hold you breath praying that nobody walks by your desk and asks you to go to lunch with them. You can’t believe people still ask you to lunch considering how many times you’ve turned them down by saying you have something important to do, only to have them walk by your car in the parking lot, and see you inside of it, stuffing a burrito in your face. Whatever. 12:00 pm hits. You’re free to go.

[Lunch Break]

To be continued….

 

 

 

 

About the Author

Ryco Newton-Block

Ryco Newton-Block is a comedy writer and stand-up comic from South Florida. Read more…