Fuck your Dog’s Instagram

In Questionable Advice by Ryco Newton-Block

You’re an asshole.

Yes you, person whose dog recently followed me on Instagram in the hopes of receiving a follow back. The fucking balls you have. The balls of a Great Dane. Isn’t it enough that I already follow you on Instagram, and that your dog is in every picture you post? Isn’t it enough that I already “like” those pictures?

Between your personal Instagram and your Snapchat story I know more about your dog then my parent’s childhoods. Your dog makes more daily impressions on my mind than an Apple marketing campaign. And now you ask me to follow an Instagram profile exclusively dedicated to promotion of that same beast!? I won’t do it.

I have to draw the line somewhere. I’m sorry but I can’t follow everyone’s animals. If I follow Mike’s dog then I have to follow Stacy’s cat. If I follow Stacy’s cat then I have to follow Tiffany’s horse. It shouldn’t be my responsibility to put an end to this animal Instagram nonsense. Pet owners, stop making Instagram profiles for you animals.

Imagine if a shepherd pulled that shit. I’d accidentally become friends with one shepherd and next thing I know I’d be following his entire flock. I would have to scroll through forty pictures at a time before coming to something that wasn’t a fucking sheep. Then I’d be following Mike’s dog, Stacy’s Cat, Tiffany’s Horse and 647 of Ezekiel’s sheep. Where does it end? What if a friend bought a petting zoo? I’d be totally fucked.

Also following animals on IG brings into play an entirely unexplored social media etiquette. For instance:

  • How long do I have to follow your dog for?
  • If it dies can I unfollow it?
  • Or would that be “rude”?
  • If I die, is it going unfollow me? — That furry asshole!

Why all the doggy death talk? Take a look at the scientific model below:

Let’s say you create your dog’s first IG when you’re age 25. Now let’s say the average dog lives 10 years. And now let’s factor in 1 year of mourning before you betray your old dog for a cute new puppy. This means that every 11 years you will be creating a new dog IG profile. If you start dog #1’s IG profile when you’re 25 and you live until you’re 80 (I hope you go sooner but let’s be conservative) that means that by the time you die, I’ll be following 5 of your dogs on IG, 4 of which are dead. It’s not sustainable!

I’m making my stand here and now. No animals on IG!

Who will stand with me?

 

 

About the Author

Ryco Newton-Block

Ryco Newton-Block is a comedy writer and stand-up comic from South Florida. Read more...