SACRAMENTO, CA – As an account sales representative for a medium-sized website banner ad company, 23-year-old Peter Slapfist has little time to focus on improving himself. Adapting to the modern world as a young, working adult has been a struggle for Slapfist that has lead to tremendous weight gain, a major breakup, and overall regrettable behavior.
In our interview, Slapfist divulged that his indecisiveness and appetite stemmed from his bleak and bitter view of his post college life as a mediocre existence and constant contradiction that balanced between unfulfilling career activities and extreme, occasionally dangerous, self-indulgence.
“Things got weird with food,” confessed Slapfist. “It got to the point that I was hiding what I was eating from my girlfriend. I was literally covering my garbage with other garbage in the garbage. Picture a raccoon on Adderall. That was me. A chubby, strung out, garbage rodent trying to cover up my tracks.” Now ex-girlfriend, Lisa Wedgewood, confirms Slapfist’s extraordinary weight gain. However, she claims it was not one of the reasons for their separation. “If he were just visually disgusting, I probably could have dealt with him. It was his constant complaining and lack of self-esteem.”
However, Wedgewood may not recognize the man Slapfist is today. That is, he is a man who makes his bed.
“I was stuck in mental gridlock for fear of the unknown future,” smiled Slapfist, sipping a tea, cross-legged on his freshly made bed. “When I finally read “The Magnificent Morning – Revolutionize Your Life Before 8am,” everything changed for me. By simply making my bed first thing in the morning, my entire day becomes more positive. Now every morning, I gently fluff and fold my sheets and blanket into a clean, made bed. My brain feels lighter, finally relieved of this messy burden. I feel organized and ready to tackle the next activity for the day. I’ve now made my bed nine days in a row. I’ve finally reclaimed my life by restoring order to my bed.”
Lisa Wedgewood informed our reporters that she paid for the Ikea twin bed and will be having her older brother pick it up from Slapfist’s apartment this weekend.