TAMPA, FL – The 2nd Annual Grace Street Backyard Barbecue Bash was set to break all house party records. Glorious, sweating kegs swam in trash barrels of ice. Classic corn-hole and flip-cup beer games were set up on the lawn and ready to be played until blackout and beyond. Dangerous amounts of vodka were concealed by a sugary layer of orange juice concentrate in the poisonous “Jungle Juice,” mixed by the unwashed hands of an overambitious bro.
Fraternity President, Nate O’Leary, manned the grill with Putin-like authority as the crowd of unaware broskis and self-conscious sorority chicks rolled in. The drinking pace spiked immediately as “Starboy” boomed over the speakers into the backyard. Within an hour, the Grace Street Backyard Barbecue Bash was bumping at an aggressive level.
That’s when the brawl broke out. Witnesses claim that a fraternity brother known simply as “JT,” ingested an impressive dosage of acid just a few hours prior to the party. While dancing in the backyard crowd, JT mistook good friend and fraternity brother, Kenny, as a demon and proceeded to throw his open cup of jungle juice into Kenny’s eyes. Kenny, temporarily blinded by the burning of the sugar and alcohol laden drink, flew into a rage, accidentally inciting a drunken fraternity wide backyard brawl.
In the midst of the melee, two blacked out bros grappled next to the grill side table. Next to a tray of undercooked hamburgers sat legendary house bong, “The Zuton Space Rover.” With one headlock hip toss, the bros crashed into the table, sending the sacred smoking device to the pavement below. The deafening shatter of expertly blown glass silenced the riot to a stop. The blacked-out crowd suddenly became oddly coherent, aware of the sudden fatality of the well-known piece. The beautiful resin laden bong laid in heaps and pieces. Smoke rose from the pile of steaming ashes like spirits released to the sky. The stunned crowd stood devastated. The death pulled the men back to earth, aware and ashamed of their actions that lead to the untimely demise of an old friend.
In honor of Ol’ Zuton the men declared a funeral and celebration, then and there. House guitar player and designated group handsome guy, Neil, eagerly whipped out his acoustic guitar and began incorrectly playing the chords to the Eagles Classic hit song “Desperado.”
“This bong wasn’t just known for burning down dank ass nugs. No, it was known for bringing people together.” President Nate O’Leary stood solemnly between his words. “From my step mom, to the entire Delta Zeta sorority, to Brendan Frasier, this bong, The Zuton Space Rover, has been smoked by some of my favorite people.” The shattered remains of the ancient bong now sat in a delicate, purple, Crown Royal sack, which O’Leary held up with one hand for the somber, but still very drunk group of fraternity brothers to see. Hand in hand, they bowed their heads as the remains lowered down into a hole in the backyard sand volleyball court. The bong officially known as “The Zuton Space Rover” now sat in its final resting place. The Bros? Well, the bros partied on, because that’s what Zuton would have wanted.