Snapchat Addict Retires After Realizing His Life is Lame

In Local News by Brendan Ellis

Peter Lemon, 25, is a self-proclaimed “gym junkie,” a part-time Uber Eats driver, and a full time douchebag. Peter is finally coming to grips with the truth behind his very public Snapchat life: it isn’t as cool as his Snapchat story lets on.

“It hit me for the first time about three quarters of the way through the Zedd Concert this weekend. I captured some pretty sweet snaps of every song that night. I thought my followers must be dying for more. Time to up the ante baby! I continued to pound beers until I was ripping drunk, you know how I do bro!” Lemon laughed with a wink, continuing, “time to give the people what they really want… one epic selfie!  I gripped my beer in one hand just tightly enough that the vein in my bicep bulged ever so slightly while my eyes stared contemplatively off into the distance.  That’s when it suddenly hit me.  Maybe I’m not having as much fun as I want people to think I am? After all I’m at a Zedd concert by myself. If I was actually having fun shouldn’t I be enjoying the moment instead of trying to make other people wish they were doing what I was? Where are my friends? I shrugged off those negative vibes and took the selfie anyways. It was fucking dope.”

“Fast forward to this morning and I’m Snapchatting my morning smoothie recipe. Being an amateur dietary expert, my followers expect me to deliver a level of professional advice in between all of the fun and games. Pro-health tip:  Butthouse Organic Kale and Creatine like it’s your fuckin’ job kid. But, suddenly, those negative vibes creeped on me again. Here I am pouring my heart and soul into this snap story and these smoothie recipes for what?  15 views? I only got 15 views that day!”

Peter, like many other Snapchat users, have recently experienced a sharp decline in Snapchat views after the company’s newest update no longer forces users to view people’s full length unbearable stories. This realization was the turning point for Pete. “I’m out the game yo, I’m not killing myself for 15 views man. These people don’t know what they’re missing.”

We reached out to the shallow pool of Pete’s loyal Snapchat followers to understand the effect of Peters retirement on the Snapchat community. Part-time nightclub promoter Robert Darling remarked, “Ole Pete, Muscle Meat is throwing in the towel huh? That’s crazy man! I personally loved his concert snaps. The deafening sound waves that his phone’s microphone so gracefully rendered into the ear drum exploded distortion that ruined my phone’s speaker — it was like art. Listening to his snaps was like being on the phone with someone holding their phone out of the window while driving, relaxing, beautiful, inspiring. I hate to see such an all-star retire.” Our reporters still aren’t quite sure whether Rob was being facetious or whether kids these days really do just love terrible music.

Before deleting his Snapchat for good, Peter posted a final cryptic message to his story that has some of his 28 followers reeling for answers. “When one door blows open, others blow closed, so is the wind of the world.” We may never know what that means but we do know one thing: Peter is most definitely a douche.

About the Author

Brendan Ellis