Early Election Day Poll Results Reveal We’re all Morons

In Politics by Ryco Newton-Block

The Election Day is off to a blazing start and millions of Americans are hitting the polls wearing their designated political jerseys to cast votes for their team’s favorite player.

Some support a large, loud, carrot-colored clown and claim they are making the country great, again. Others are showing up to the polls in their big bird pantsuits and proudly support a sneaky, conniving, well-spoken, vagina-having Frank Underwood.

But that’s why today is great! Today is the day when the American people get to decide who will be the next President of the United States. But how do the voters decide who to elect? How much effort should they go through? It must be exhausting.

Our team initially believed that voters only decided which candidate they’re choosing after months of open-minded discussions on Facebook. However our investigation revealed that is not exactly the case.

After truly delving into the subject we realized that the beauty of Election Day is its remarkable simplicity. Our studies show that 95% of the country doesn’t actually need to use their brain at all. We are effectively raised to be Democrat or Republican much in the same way we’re raised to falsely believe that we can accomplish anything we set our minds to, like becoming famous comedians and internet bloggers. Once we belong to our political team we vote that way until we can no longer afford health insurance and die from a preventable disease.

This means that the vast majority of Americans already know which way they’ll vote before we even have candidates. How cool is that!? The data shows that we literally never have to use our minds! There’s no reason to question the system, or how the political structure does not truly serve the American people. We can just sit back, put on an episode of Real Housewives, shovel another fucking cheeseburger into our faces and vote the party line again in 2020!



About the Author

Ryco Newton-Block

Ryco Newton-Block is a comedy writer and stand-up comic from South Florida. Read more...