Local Tough Guy Spotted Crying in Car at Red Light

In Local News by Joe Powell

WEST CHESTER, PA – The fame and fortune that come with being a regional sales manager for a wholesale distributer of gym equipment can weigh too heavy on the mind of the average person. It takes someone with a will as iron as the barbells that he curls. Someone who loudly exaggerates the amount of his commission checks in public. Someone like local tough guy, 34-year-old Bruce Stern.

Stern, who failed out of the police academy in 2009, is a notable figure in his own mind. His most prominent accomplishments occurred during high school and include breaking the single season tackle record as a junior, and beating the shit out of well-liked chemistry teacher, Mr. McDawson, in homeroom as a freshman.

However, early Monday morning, Stern was spotted by our reporters uncharacteristically weeping like a child, alone in his 2012 Black Dodge Charger, while waiting at the red light on the corner of Market Street and Dingle Way.

Sources close to Stern claim that he was deeply upset over the recent election polls showing Clinton with a lead in his home state of Pennsylvania. Stern, who strangely carries a deadly, stealth pocket knife with him everywhere he goes, agreed to comment on his embarrassing public car crying session.

“I know my state. I know my people. This is a Trump state. Has been ever since he referred to Senator Rubio as ‘lil Marco.’ That shit was hilarious. It’s only gotten funnier since. Blows my god damn mind that someone would vote for anyone but Trump. The polls are rigged by our mortal enemy, the Democrats. It breaks my heart.” Choking up, Sterns eyes filled with tears. “I just wish Americans would stand up and ask Russian hackers to do the right thing.”

About the Author

Joe Powell

I am a comedy writer and Co-Founder of DeadJesters Read more...