SEATTLE, WA – Mitch Blake, 28, and Abby Thomas, 26, have been dating for 5 months. They have everything that a young couple needs for a relationship to stand the test of time. Everything, except a fabricated “how we met story,” which is vital to sustaining any partnership. “Having a cute how we met story is the backbone of modern day romance,” said Dr. Wonda McDoogle, a relationship expert who claims to have a PhD in something. “Everyone knows that ‘how we met stories’ are mostly bullshit. Half the time they met on Tinder, went to happy hour, and fucked behind a dumpster four hours later. But families don’t want to hear that. They want to hear warm and fuzzy far-fetched stories that they can make “awww” sounds to. That’s why Mitch and Abby came to me.”
Mitch and Abby had been at odds over crafting the story and sought Dr. Wonda out for help. “We both love kayaking,” Mitch remarked, “so I wanted to do like a first date thing where we went kayaking and Abby flipped and was drowning and then I saved her. I brought it up to Abby and”-Abby chimed in-“yea that was a big NO. Such a misogynistic story! Damsel in distress, women can’t kayak, I’m better because I wear a penis. It’s bullshit!” It was clear that this had become a point of contention and the couple needed Dr. Wonda’s help.
Dr. Wonda explained that with the holiday season around the corner and the couple set to visit both their families, coming up with a good story had become even more important. “Abby is a little on edge because her sister Debbie and new boyfriend Jacob concocted an incredible story. Jacob is a graphic designer and he even photoshopped a bunch of sappy images into a scrapbook to back up the lie. The story is something about Jacob dying in a sky-diving accident and Debbie bringing him back to life. It’s a really good one.”
Mitch, sighed, “how are we supposed to compete with a guy dying and his future girlfriend bringing him back to life? I wish we could just tell the truth, which is that Abby and I met at the dog park. Some guy’s pitbull got off its leash and attacked Abby. I dove on top of the dog, put it in a choke hold, and broke its neck. Then I asked her if she’d like to get dinner sometime.”
“Excellent,” Dr. Wonda said. “Say it just like that when you lie to her family.” A devious smile crossed Abby’s face. Dr. Wonda’s work was done.