NEW YORK, NY – Jerry Cantrell’s head is still spinning after completing an introductory course in United States Geography. The 40-year-old civil engineer and lifelong Manhattan Resident entered the course to fulfill his company’s annual continuing education obligation.
“I know this city like the back of my hand, but the rest of the country is irrelevant as far as I’m concerned,” said Cantrell in his signature overemphasized Italian accent. “Sure, I’d heard of Vegas and LA, but I never knew how many states were between them and the island. Like Kansas, holy shit, I thought Kansas was a town in Wyoming.”
Cantrell continued to explain that the greatest shock wasn’t learning that America had 50 separate states. To Jerry, the most startling realization was the disparity in rent and cost-of-living in different regions of the country.
Jerry was once a rabid Mets fan who relished in the “extravagance” of his 200-square-foot, bed-bug-riddled apartment and often gloated that he’s experiencing the “pinnacle of city living.” But now, Jerry isn’t so sure. “These ‘intellectuals’ told me that I could live somewhere else in an apartment twice the size for half the rent? It sounds fishy to me. The numbers just don’t add up. Besides, I don’t need some kid in skinny jeans with some paid for degree telling me what’s what.”
Sources say that Jerry questions the authenticity of these “cost of living” statistics and is advocating a couple of new wild theories of his own. “I’m not so sure that affordable housing and reasonable living circumstances are a real thing. I think these are fabrications originally orchestrated by the Bush Administration and carried out by the Obama Administration to prevent us from seeing the truth: that New York is the greatest city in the world.”
When asked why he still thinks New York is the greatest city in the world, Jerry remarked: “I love every day in the city. I’m abruptly woken up in the morning to the sound of construction or my neighbor screaming at her kids in a foreign language that I don’t understand or care to. Then I cram onto the 6 train and adamantly avoid eye contact with mutants that comprise the ungodly sub-terrain. I head to my corporate job where I am both undervalued and unappreciated, and where I’m barely paid enough money to eat after I pay rent. But I’m here for the experience that you just can’t get anywhere else. This is the Big Apple, man.”
Jerry reflected on his time in United States Geography and stated, “I’m glad I took the course. I mean, dead ass would never want to go live in another city filled with a bunch of pussies and shitty sports teams. Actually, knowing that these people exist makes me feel a lot better about my situation. I’ve never been happier to be a New Yorker.”