MANCHESTER, NH – Paulie’s Pumpkin Patch is a fall celebration hotspot, most popular with young families and couples searching for an Instagram picture that will get a self-fulfilling number of likes. Besides the traditional pumpkin picking, Paulie’s offers American fall classics such as haunted hay rides, pumpkin carving contests, and everybody’s favorite photo-booth themed “everyone-mock-the-one-Asian-family-in town.” Paulie’s Pumpkin Patch is an essential fall visit for all locals.
Our reporters covering Paulie’s, ran into one couple searching for a pumpkin and celebrating the season in a particularly special way.
“That’s not a good one, it’s too big, we need a cute one,” demanded Molly Willow, 26, an amateur wine enthusiast who regularly writes uncomfortably personal posts on social media. “How would you know what’s a good pumpkin?” responded 27-year-old fire fighter Ben McAllister, infuriated. “You go to some sort of pumpkin class at pumpkin school that I don’t know about? Get a pumpkin certificate?”
Sources claim that the young couple were nearing their four-year anniversary and talks of marriage had recently surfaced. “Arguing during special times is one of my family traditions. I really think Molly could be the one so I want to test her to make sure she’s ready for that,” said Ben.
“Ben’s insane,” said Molly. “We were having a nice time until he started pretending that one of those long, weird gourds was his dick. Like, there are kids around, are you kidding?”
“I was joking around with one of those cock gourds and she just didn’t get it,” said Ben. “Then she ruined it by acting like some pumpkin expert, turning down every pumpkin I picked out!”