SAN FRANCISCO, CA – The traditional local coffee shop environment is a delicately balanced ecosystem that thrives on rich people overpaying for organically sourced coffee, which is harvested and shipped by thirsty villagers and then roasted and served by self-conscious, minimum-wage-paid hipsters in oddly fitting clothing. However, this environment has faced its most dangerous threat to date: recent price hikes in ethically sourced coffee beans, causing massive barista layoffs and forcing some coffee hangouts to close their doors permanently.
Lin De La Portilla is the owner of Ferrets Soul Coffee Hause, the most recent local coffee joint effected by dramatic price fluctuations in the coffee bean market, but hoping to keep its doors open. “We like to provide our customers with a unique coffee experience. Because of that, our costs are high. I’d hate to forego our quality and experience just so we can keep buying smelly ol’ coffee beans.”
De La Portilla went on to explain a few of the high cost operations that would potentially be cut to stay in business.
“We may have to sell our bar top that’s made from repurposed wood. The wood is the original front door of the Tanners House from the set of Full House. It cost us a fortune so we set up a payment plan. However, it’s absolutely necessary to keep because the softness of the wood grain helps to amplify the scent of our beans.”
“It’s essential that we create the illusion that we are smarter and better than our customers, it keeps them coming back. Therefore, we don’t use typical sizes such as small, medium, and large. Rather, sizes are all based in ancient, sacred, geometric principles. Our sizes are Universally Proportional Hexagon, Spherical Spiral Grande, and Grand Harmonic Ratio. I don’t know what any of that shit means so we hired a statistician to calculate the sizes. Now we may have to fire him, but that would throw off our entire business plan.”
Our reporters spoke with economist, Brendan Eldon, to understand the large-scale impact on the economy. “We’re concerned about industry-wide Barista layoffs. The influx of unemployed indie girls would inflate our unemployment rate and spike the number of stupid Facebook posts lecturing us on social issues,” Eldon scowled. “These are the type you would never date because of their beliefs and lifestyles, but who you would definitely hook up with. Meaning, the large majority is single. I fear that, without their own source of income and lack of relationship, their dads will not agree to let them live in the city, forcing them to return to the suburbs, ruining everything there too.”