ST. LOUIS, MO – “Lots of moving parts in this deal,” shouted Michael Spack too loudly into his Bluetooth. “I can’t let this injury ruin a deal worth this much. It’s essential I visit them to touch base. I always touch base!” Spack is the proud Regional Sales director of Comet Corrective Solutions, the 6th largest national provider of silicone breast implants specifically developed for elderly patients.
The two-time divorcee and avid Trump supporter found himself sidelined from the sales world after an intense day of driving through the region visiting clients. Spack spent the majority of his day drinking buckets of iced coffee and occasionally pulling over to take a big stinky coffee shit in a dirty gas station bathroom. After dropping a particularly filthy meat pie in a Chevron, Spack hurried into his Honda Civic eager to hear the next part of his WWII history podcast.
Witnesses claim that in his haste, Spack reached for his seat belt and twisted awkwardly, releasing a horrific scream. “I knew I slipped a disc that second. I guess I’m just getting to that age,” sighed the 34-year-old, wheezing his coffee breath into this reporters face.
“Now I’m going to lose my biggest account to the god damned saline breast implant guys. What woman wants a saline water tit! They have no form whatsoever!” shouted the self-proclaimed workaholic, wincing and holding his back.
Although visibly angry, Spack admits he could use the down time to nurse his injury, among other things. “This really gives me time to regrow and reshape my goatee, which I recently shaved. Huge mistake on my part. My goatee is the source of my selling power and shaving it probably caused all this bad luck in the first place.”