“Narcos” Binge Inspires Heavy Drug use and Felony Trespassing for Local Couple

In Local News, Relationships by Ryco Newton-Block

PALM BEACH, FL – Local couple John O’Brien and Lindsey Brandt were arrested at 4:00 am Sunday morning at Lion Country Safari, a drive-through zoo and amusement park in Loxahatchee, Florida.

Arresting Officer David Wells recounted the scene, “I responded to a call from one of the park rangers about two lunatics running around the facility and terrorizing the animals. When I arrived I found Mr. O’Brien riding a fucking alpaca and Ms. Graham had flipped over a tortoise and was blowing a line of coke off its belly.”

Mr. O’Brien attempted to justify the couple’s actions and stated; “Guys cut us some slack, we binge watched Narcos all Saturday and just really wanted to blow some coke in the South American exhibit. Like I’m sorry, we never thought we would take it that far. I did get to ride an alpaca though, which is pretty sick.” Mr. O’Brien then extended his fist through the jail cell bars to give our reporter a pound.

We discovered through our investigation that this was not the first time something of this sort has happened.

Lucas McDermont, Head of Operations at Lions country safari, told our team that, “Since Narcos season 2 has been released we’ve had 5 cocaine fueled break-ins, all in the South American exhibit. These people are insane. Every single time they break in, they immediately flip over a tortoise and blow coke off its stomach. Is that thing? Does that happen in the show?”

Our investigative team then verbally berated Mr. McDermont for not watching Narcos, which is an awesome show.

About the Author

Ryco Newton-Block

Ryco Newton-Block is a comedy writer and stand-up comic from South Florida. Read more…