New York Woman Admits to Hating Brunch

In Local News, Trendy by Joe Powell

MANHATTAN, NY – Every Sunday for the past eight months, 25-year-old Rachel Hassman and her friends have attended “Boozie Brunch” at Beauty & Essex restaurant in the Lower East Side. Beauty & Essex’s brunch is one of the city’s most well-known drunk-brunch spots, drawing in a crowd so large that the line of loud, hot, bossy Jewish women wraps all the way around the block.

Like any other Sunday morning, Hassman woke up hung over to a group text from long time friend Ilana Feigel inviting the standard group of seven to their weekly brunch spot. For the first time in over 32 weeks, Hassman declined.

“I honestly realized I just couldn’t take it anymore. I actually hate brunch. If I wanted to eat a six hour meal with a group of negative people arguing, I’d visit my family,” said Hassman, a Boca Raton, Florida native and four-year resident of New York City.

“I’m over it,” she revealed to her friends via text. “I’m sick of having a shitty champagne hangover on Monday at work,” admitted the outspoken assistant account manager at the prominent advertising agency of Longtaint & Pop Media Co.

The other women immediately set up a side-text to discuss Hassman’s odd behavior behind her back. “Typical. This must have to do with that new finance guy she’s seeing,” texted best friend Sara Levitt. Sources close to Hassman claim that the “new finance guy” did play a role in her decision on brunch; however, the main reason is that Hassman has been focused on improving her personal issues.

The young woman claims to have recently overcome her longtime struggle with FOMO (fear of missing out), which drove her to attend countless happy hours, pre’s, and drunk brunches in the first place.

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Joe Powell

I am a comedy writer and Co-Founder of DeadJesters Read more...