“I Only Smoke When I Drink,” Guy Bums Record 17 Cigarettes at Local Beer Festival

In Local News, Relationships by Joe Powell

AUSTIN, TX – The “Freaky Fall Beer Festival” is rated Austin’s sixth most popular annual fall themed beer festival. Over the weekend, the festival brought in over 60 ostentatious, local craft brewers who specialize in patronizing customers due to their lack of beer knowledge. The festival is a hit with non-locals that are now living in the city, and annually draws in over 1,200 hipster dudes and their annoying but oddly attractive girlfriends.

However, expensive craft beer isn’t what stole the show this year. Our reporters covering the event encountered 25-year-old graphic designer and fake beer enthusiast, Nate Warrick. “My favorite brew so far is the Whispy Nipple IPA,” said Warrick drunkenly puffing an American Spirit cigarette into the interviewers face. “Supposedly the Master Brewer dips his swollen, slightly hairy man tit in every batch. This ensures a natural fermentation of the beer. Monks used to do it.”

Warrick caused a stir at the festival after close friends in attendance noticed he was on pace to beat his personal cigarette bumming record. After Warrick’s fourth beer, best friend Greg Molton noticed Warrick wander to the outskirts of the beer fest, striking up conversations with strangers who we’re smoking organically sourced tobacco cigarettes.

“When I saw him wander off, I knew he was going to bum a smoke,” stated Molton, sipping on an Ass Cancer IPA. “It usually starts after his third or fourth beer, but it’s inevitable. He’s a cigarette bummer at heart. I just had no idea he had the lung capacity to break his record and get to 17.”

“I’m not a smoker so I don’t waste my money or poison my body with cigarettes,” Warrick took a long deep drag of his 11th cig of the afternoon, continuing, “I can just borrow them from my friends, I mean, I only smoke when I drink anyways.”

Warrick had set his personal record of 16 bummed cigarettes while attending Molton’s Bachelor party in May of 2014. It was there he shattered his previous high mark of nine while in a New Orleans strip club. That night, sources say Warrick went as far as to bum a menthol cigarette from an exotic dancer in exchange for a warm beer. Warrick is expected to break his new record while blacking out at a house party this coming Halloween.

About the Author

Joe Powell

I am a comedy writer and Co-Founder of DeadJesters Read more...