Pharmaceutical Company Mylan Raises Price of EpiPen to Help Curb Overpopulation

In Local News, Politics, Science by Ryco Newton-Block

CANONSBURG, PA – In a surprisingly selfless and noble act, giant pharmaceutical company, Mylan, has drastically increased the price of life-saving EpiPens in an effort to “solve the world’s population problem.” The decision to “help humanity” by raising the price of this extremely vital product has sent anaphylactic shock waves throughout the entire world.

“China has a rule that you can only have one child, and that’s a good start to putting an end to overpopulation, but at Mylan we are taking it a step further,” says CEO Heather Bresch. “We realized that the only way to slow down the explosion of the number humans is to actually induce death by withholding critical medical technology.”

She went on to explain that big pharma has been secretly killing people since the ‘70s. “It’s like blood diamonds, except without the stigma. Of course, we could provide essential medications at a significantly lower cost but then people would live longer and be more likely to breed. Imagine people being able to afford the medicine they need, it would be a disaster.”

Ms. Bresch was recently awarded an $18 million bonus for her outstanding philanthropic work and has stated that she plans to donate all of that money to her 5th vacation home in Vail, Colorado.

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Ryco Newton-Block

Ryco Newton-Block is a comedy writer and stand-up comic from South Florida. Read more…