DRACUT, MA – “I’m absolutely devastated,” sighed Lisa Tonelli, 37, who, for nearly a decade, has been telling friends and coworkers that “one day I’m just going to get the heck out of here and buy a little place in Italy.”
Journalists spoke to the seasoned paralegal in the break room at Ballard & Ballard Law Firm. Tonelli’s laptop sat open on the table. The background, a small French town she mistook for an Italian village after Googling “Italian dream house single woman” in 2011.
“My great-grandfather came to America from Sicily, so I’ve always made sure to tell everyone I’ve ever met that I’m Italian.” Journalists report that Tonelli has not maintained a long-term relationship in several years.
“How hard is it to find a wealthy, good-looking, Italian guy who likes a woman with no hobbies or goals?”
Tonelli and her best friend, Marie Gagnon, discuss their Italian fantasies on weeknights while sipping coffee mugs full of Franzia. “Oh yeah, Lisa always friggen talks about buying some property over in Italy and finding a wicked hot guy,” Marie said, scrolling through Tinder. Tonelli added, “it’s such a tragedy. I’m going to have to find a new fantasy to talk to everyone about. Between the ISIS and the earthquakes it’s just too dangerous to be traveling these days.”
Tonelli confirmed that she will be changing her lap top background to a new fantasy location this upcoming Monday. She’s decided to go with a Bahamas or Key West landscape photo. She believes the new beach inspired identity will be safer and more appropriate for a single woman in her late thirties.