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Frequent Business Traveler Ensures Fellow Passengers That He’s Not a Big Deal

In Local News by Joe Powell

BOSTON, MA – The leather shoulder-sling modern-style brief case. The large hot coffee, gripped with intensity by a shaky hand sporting an impressive wrist watch. The cell phone, clipped to the hip, protected in a case the size of a car battery. Loudly speaking on the mammoth cell phone just moments before takeoff. 34-year-old Andrew Dawson had everyone on American Flight 1011, from Boston to Atlanta, completely fooled.

“I thought he was a big-shot business Read More

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Millennial Makes Bed for First Time as an Adult in Attempt to Restore Order to Life

In Local News by Joe Powell

SACRAMENTO, CA – As an account sales representative for a medium-sized website banner ad company, 23-year-old Peter Slapfist has little time to focus on improving himself.  Adapting to the modern world as a young, working adult has been a struggle for Slapfist that has lead to tremendous weight gain, a major breakup, and overall regrettable behavior.

In our interview, Slapfist divulged that his indecisiveness and appetite stemmed from his bleak and bitter view Read More

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Broken Bong Breaks up Backyard Barbecue Brawl

In Local News by Joe Powell

TAMPA, FL – The 2nd Annual Grace Street Backyard Barbecue Bash was set to break all house party records. Glorious, sweating kegs swam in trash barrels of ice. Classic corn-hole and flip-cup beer games were set up on the lawn and ready to be played until blackout and beyond. Dangerous amounts of vodka were concealed by a sugary layer of orange juice concentrate in the poisonous “Jungle Juice,” mixed by the unwashed hands of an overambitious bro.

Fraternity Read More

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Man Hoping Friends Forgot About Last Summer’s Cooking Hobby

In Local News by Joe Powell

WASHINGTON, DC – For the past four years, 26-year-old Ben Gladwell’s passion has been to frantically bounce from hobby to hobby in pursuit of determining his life’s passion. From home brewing and cross-fitting, to slack-lining and gluten-freein’, Ben has experimented with some of the worst millennial fads of our time. Everything changed for Ben, however, while watching Anthony Bourdain’s food and cooking based travel show “No Reservations,” one Read More

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Devout Atheist Thanks God After Avoiding Ex-Girlfriend in Grocery Store

In Relationships by Joe Powell

MEDFORD, MA ? “The only part I’m going to miss is that, as an Atheist, you can act really bitter and sarcastic towards everything, you know? Like Bill Maher, but not as funny,” said now former devout atheist, Trevor Podd. “I hadn’t believed, or even been to church, in years. But this act of God changes everything.” While visiting his hometown of Medford, MA for Thanksgiving, Podd reconnected to his deep Catholic roots after experiencing a near Read More

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Misogynistic Masseuse Accused of Providing Better Service to Male Clients

In Local News by Joe Powell

ATLANTA, GA – “I didn’t work my tail off at online massage therapy school twice a week for 40 minutes per session for 3 months to be criticized like this,” sneered 37-year-old Anthony Stump, a local masseuse under scrutiny for providing a higher level of customer care to male patients.

A group of female clients have filed suit against Stump, claiming that he often cancels female patient appointments in favor of male patients, provides sessions to men Read More

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Snapchat Addict Retires After Realizing His Life is Lame

In Local News by Brendan Ellis

Peter Lemon, 25, is a self-proclaimed “gym junkie,” a part-time Uber Eats driver, and a full time douchebag. Peter is finally coming to grips with the truth behind his very public Snapchat life: it isn’t as cool as his Snapchat story lets on.

“It hit me for the first time about three quarters of the way through the Zedd Concert this weekend. I captured some pretty sweet snaps of every song that night. I thought my followers must be dying for more. Read More

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WikiLeaks Reveals Gary Johnson Had Another “Aleppo Moment” and Accidentally Voted Trump

In Politics by Brendan Ellis

Last night Donald J. Trump won the presidential election in what is being called the biggest upset in the history of American politics. Some voted for Trump in support of the man’s ideas, some out of spite for Hillary Clinton and the obnoxious politically correct left, and one man, Gary Johnson, by accident.

WikiLeaks released the following hacked text conversation between Third Party Presidential Candidate Gary Johnson, and his running mate William Weld.

When Read More

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Early Election Day Poll Results Reveal We’re all Morons

In Politics by Ryco Newton-Block

The Election Day is off to a blazing start and millions of Americans are hitting the polls wearing their designated political jerseys to cast votes for their team’s favorite player.

Some support a large, loud, carrot-colored clown and claim they are making the country great, again. Others are showing up to the polls in their big bird pantsuits and proudly support a sneaky, conniving, well-spoken, vagina-having Frank Underwood.

But that’s why today is great! Read More

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Local Tough Guy Spotted Crying in Car at Red Light

In Local News by Joe Powell

WEST CHESTER, PA – The fame and fortune that come with being a regional sales manager for a wholesale distributer of gym equipment can weigh too heavy on the mind of the average person. It takes someone with a will as iron as the barbells that he curls. Someone who loudly exaggerates the amount of his commission checks in public. Someone like local tough guy, 34-year-old Bruce Stern.

Stern, who failed out of the police academy in 2009, is a notable figure Read More